Monthly Archives: October 2018

Confusing love

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I was recently told by someone that I “confuse love for other things”. At first, I almost became defensive, but that feeling passed quickly. If I’ve learned anything these past few years, it’s to not take anything personally…and that anything is possible, even learning something new about myself. I do it all the time, yet sometimes, I  feel like I don’t know me at all.

I supposed I’ve known for some time now that I confuse love for other things. I think the struggle lately has been to figure out what those “other things” are. I’ve read enough about what they are to have an idea, but to apply it in real life, well, that’s tricky. But hey, I am on a journey to self-discovery, so this stuff takes time.

I’ve become a firm believer of the philosophy that if you just quiet your soul a bit and be still…observe…what you seek will find you. God, it’s SO much easier when what you seek finds you, rather than chasing that shit all over the place. My soul is exhausted. I’ve been searching for love everywhere. We all know this. I started searching last year, which is funny, because before that, I was ECSTATIC about the thought of spending my life alone, never to see man-parts again! I had broken free from my shackles of shitty life circumstances and I was free, baby! Bye Felicia!  Quite unstoppable, actually. Remember how I fixed my washing machine? How about when I changed the freaking motherboard on my refrigerator? Hell yeah! I was a strong, independent woman who didn’t need no man…till I met one.  That’s all it took, was meeting one single random man who stirred something in me when I was least expecting it. Next thing you know, I’m spending my days waiting for a text. What the hell happened there?

As Elaine Benis says, “yada, yada, yada….” and our relationship ended as quickly as it began. Typical, really. This is how it’s been my entire life. Me falling hard for someone who is unlikely to fall for me. I never did it intentionally. I just thought I had shitty luck in love. You know, one of those girls who only wants what she can’t have. The nice guys, who would’ve treated me like gold, worshiped me and put me on a pedestal, well…they stirred nothing within me. Pure Vanilla. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted those things. (I still do) I just only seemed to feel chemistry with guys who never seemed to be able to love me (I still do)…but dammit, I tried. I tried hard (I still do), because that chemistry, well…you can’t control that shit, you know? They say the heart wants what the heart wants.

Now that I’ve done more and more (and more!) work on myself, I’ve learned about attachment types and triggered responses and such, and it’s helped me a LOT. It’s helped me learn how my free-flowing communication and intimacy triggers that kind of guy’s anxiety and avoidance behavior, and how his avoidance behavior triggers MY anxiety. I don’t blame anyone anymore. It’s not his fault he’s not where I am. It just is what it is. I’ve also learned that a man’s inability to love me or be emotionally intimate with me is not a reflection of who I am. I know this, I truly do. I know this shit inside and out. It has helped me intellectually accept why things never seem to work out for me. Intellectually, I say.

Here’s the thing: I am confident of my lovability. Is that a word? It is now. I am also confident that I bring joy into peoples lives, because I’m all amazing and shit. Seriously, get to know me and you’ll see.  I wore a full faced Kim Jong Un sweatshirt to an ugly Christmas sweater party with plastic tiny Trump hands. I AM a good time, dammit!  I know this. I believe this. I am extremely secure in this. It wasn’t always this way, but it is now, and that’s all that counts. Herein lies the struggle: how to turn of that “chemistry” with the wrong people and turn it on with the right people.  Seemingly impossible! All year, I’ve been working on how to let go of the unwilling and let in the willing, and God, it is NOT as easy as it sounds. And I’m not just talking potential romantic interests. This also includes the men in my family (the root of most of my dysfunction, but that’s a story for another day). Funny how spot on they are when they relate how you choose men to how your family relationships are. So damn funny. Effin riot.

So, on my journey to self-discovery, I came across this tidbit the other day. You can read it here...

“People of the emotionally unavailable species are always seemingly impossible to quit because of their ‘unpredictability’, which we mistake for ‘chemistry’ or ‘true love'”.

Oh. I see…

“These are the mysterious, ambiguous guys that will always keep you guessing and keep you ‘on your toes’ (aka in a perpetual state of mixed signals, mind fucking and the questioning-everything-kind-of-insecurity, insanity, WTF-is-wrong-with-me-I-must-be-going-crazy, miserable existence that you’d rather be in and try to ‘fix’ than be out and alone”

Interesting…

“You know you can’t fully have all of him, and there lies the ‘chemistry’. Emotionally unavailable guys are so luring because even when you ‘have’ them, it never really feels like you do. It gets all your validation seeking antennae all amped up because you’re addicted to this perpetual cycle of tying your worth to trying to turn the reluctant project into an emotionally reformed, responsible guy that’s capable of an authentic connection”.

Bingo! And there we have it, folks.  Of course I confuse love with other things. Of course I do. This perpetual cycle started when I was 9 years old with the man I loved the most and it hasn’t stopped. Each man I encounter with his energy keeps it going. Even when I have him, it never really feels like I do. Yes. This is it. This is how I have always felt. Always. I have no idea what love is. I only know how to chase love. And I certainly know enough to not trust love. That shit can be yanked away at any time, with no warning. Hence, the chase. It doesn’t matter who. I gotta be on my toes…

I only know how to chase love.

I confuse love with trying to make the unavailable available. It’s all I know.

Scratch that. It’s all I knew. Just wait.

I’m still unstoppable.

 

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Actually, I can

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You can’t go back thirty years and look at that awful stuff. It will be too painful for you.

Actually, I can.

OK then, if you do, you won’t be able to handle it. It will be painful.

Actually, I will… and it is.

Then you can’t tell anyone. It will be too embarrassing for you.

Actually, I can, and it is.

Well, if you do tell someone, just tell your close friends. No one wants to hear that kind of stuff.

Actually, I can, and you’re right…they don’t.

OK, well… you definitely can’t tell your family. It will be too embarrassing for them. They won’t be able to handle it.

Actually, I can, and you’re right. It was, and they can’t.

But, you might lose them. You need them.

Actually, I did. Turns out, I don’t.       But, I miss them…

 

 

This post was written in response to Linda G. Hill’s Stream of Social Consciousness Saturday

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Oct. 20/18

 

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All the more precious

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I write about love a lot on here. Not so much love stories, or being in love…more like the struggle of love. Which is ironic, because real love should not be a struggle at all.  It is for me, though. Not as much, lately, but something I’ll probably be working on for the rest of my life…and likely during the next life, too.

Last year, I wrote a blog post about a really difficult, yet amazing time in my life. These difficult, amazing times make for the best writing from me, if I do say so myself. I often go back and read this particular story about the deer, it’s that amazing. You can read it here.

The reason I’m sharing this post from last year is not to promote it, or get out of writing something worthy tonight. I received a decent amount of comments on that post, considering I’m not well-known in the blogging world. One comment in particular has stuck with me all this time. I reference a phrase from it almost weekly, at times…in my mind. I’ve never said it out loud or written it down. It just plays in my mind, like someone softly speaking it to me when I least expect it. I don’t really know why it’s stuck with me. Must be part of God’s plan. That’s what I tend to say when I can’t figure something out, “It must be God’s plan for me to fall in love with emotionally unavailable men”. It’s a great way to deflect responsibility. But sometimes, I think it’s true. Sometimes, you just gotta give it to God, or you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I’ve been repeating this phrase from that one comment a lot lately. Dealing with love, or more accurately, the loss of love. More like the loss of the idea of love…my expectations of love. God, there was a period of time during the past few years where I didn’t think I was capable of even feeling love, let alone worthy of receiving love. I’ve grown past those feelings, a bit. Not by experiencing love, per say…but by facing the loss of my expectations, I’ve been able to grieve the love I thought I should have had. Well, I’m still grieving, to be honest. Does grief ever truly end? I’m not sure it does. I think you just learn to live around it. Or through it. You spend your life fluidly dancing around it then diving right in and sinking a bit. I never even knew you could grieve a feeling or emotion, did you? I also didn’t realize you could grieve a person when he was still alive. Trust me, you can.

Anyway, back to this comment I was talking about. It was from Finding A Sober Miracle on WordPress. We didn’t know each other at all when she wrote this. Since then, we’ve developed a connection. Another part of God’s plan I haven’t quite figured out just yet. So, she reads my post about the deer and my fears and trauma and confusion and she just opens up her heart and speaks to me….

“Please know that nothing could ever change y our worth in the slightest. If anything, you are all the more precious for being the lost lamb.”

Why do I keep repeating “you are all the more precious for being the lost lamb”? Over and over and over…for a good year and a half now.

I suppose I really am a lost lamb. I’ve had the people I love most in this world walk away from me this year. I know it’s them, and not me. I get it all. I understand their capabilities. I realize my value is not lessened because other’s can’t see it.  But I’m still the lost lamb. Understanding someone’s behavior doesn’t make the tears go away. Knowing why you can’t be in a family any longer doesn’t make you feel any less lost. Overcoming a life of trauma does not mean you won’t be traumatized as an adult, and overcoming abandonment issues is challenging when you are currently being abandoned. Does this make me more precious to God? I hope so. I hope there’s some divine reason for it…

I’m giving it to God.

 

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Oct. 13/18

 

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I cried writing this card

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Today my oldest son turned 18. We are looking at colleges and I’m preparing for my little bird to fly the nest. It’s bittersweet times around here.

Our family has been through a lot these past three years. My husband moved out two years ago, after a year of me having a therapeutic revolution of my own #metoo movement. My boys are well aware of it all, and have weathered the storm like warriors. God, I have been blessed.

I cried writing this card…

 

 

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Oct. 6/18

 

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