June 2018 - My journey to a butterfly

I’m nearing in on 2 years of being single after a 20 year relationship. Where I am at right now, I am quite content. I enjoy my independence and have found that transitioning to being single at this stage of my life has been one of the most empowering things I have done. I think I am brave and love myself fiercely. I kick ass at a job I love, I’m raising 2 amazing boys and I surround myself with friends who love me. Life is good.

Each Wednesday, my friends and I go out to dinner. “Supper Club” we call it. It’s usually 3 to 5 couples…and me. We make a reservation for 7 or 13 and sit at a long table and enjoy each other’s company. I often joke about being the “7th wheel” or “13th wheel”. When I occasionally find a man I might want to date, and it inevitably doesn’t work out, the men in this group put their arms around me and say, “who cares about that guy? You’ve got us.” Yep…I’m dating my friends. My girlfriend just got a new car…a 7 seater. She said “It’s perfect for the 3 couples and you!” At first, I laughed…but then realized it’s not only funny, but kind of sad at the same time.

We were at Supper Club the other night. Reservation for 7. Each couple sat across from each other, with me at the end, looking at an empty seat across from me. I couldn’t really see or hear my friends at the other end of the table too well, so I leaned in over my friend’s lap so I could be part of the conversation. He put his arm around my shoulder and I jokingly snuggled into him. It was all in fun, his wife sitting across from us, and we were all laughing about it. That’s what’s so great about this group of friends. We all truly love each other, and no one feels threatened by their husband putting his arm around me and hugging me. As we chatted, I thought about how his arm felt on my back, and realized something, which I softly said aloud to his wife…”No one touches me anymore”. It was kind of a sad thing to say, and I’m really not sure why I said it out loud. It just sort of happened. She looked at me with a sad face, and told her husband to keep touching me, which he did. Just a gentle rub on the shoulder, while we finished our conversation. Seriously…how lucky am I to have friends like these? I think pretty lucky…

So, we will continue to make reservations for 7, or 13, and enjoy the company of good friends…but I wouldn’t mind if, some day, we made it an even number.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS June 16/18

Linda asked us to write about our favorite word today. That’s a tough one, as there’s just SO many good ones out there. I suppose it all depends on my mood. Lately though, I’ve been enjoying the meaning of this certain word quite a bit. Vulnerability. I know, at first glance it reads like a bad word. Like describing someone who isn’t safe, or scared, maybe. It’s uncomfortable. I suppose that’s kind of true. When you are vulnerable, you are at risk. Sometimes, you get hurt. Or sad. Or scared. But those things are exactly what I like about vulnerability. I purposefully place myself in the position of being vulnerable as often as I can. It’s where I’m real. No walls up, no defensive coping mechanisms, no pretending. Just raw, honest, real…me.

When you step into the uncomfortable arena of vulnerability, it’s like being a seed which has been buried for weeks, germinating in the cold dirt, and finally the shell cracks open. It feels like total destruction, but really…that is the moment when you begin to grow. It really is quite beautiful to experience.

I’ve been published again. I’m in this month’s issue of Nursing 2018. This is my second article published in a nursing journal, but this one doesn’t seem to be getting quite the accolades from my friends as the first one. This one shines a light on uneasiness and vulnerability and shame…and that’s exactly what I love about it…