Sometimes, my heart feels drained. It’s weird, because at the same time, it feels overflowing. I’m trying to learn how to regulate it. It’s a work in progress.
Learning how to not let it overflow where it doesn’t belong…will I ever learn how? My brain knows, but not my heart. My heart thinks if it just flows freely enough, it will heal strained relationships. Spunky lil fella, eh? Good intentions, for sure. Not so much good outcomes.
All the love in the world isn’t enough if there’s none there to receive it. But I keep trying. Maybe I’m really just going through the motions now.
There’s something about strained relationships… the loss of love is tough. Or maybe it’s the loss of what could be. I’m learning it’s possible to grieve the loss of what could have been. Knowing there will be no more memories made. The loss of hope.
Hope is my savior. And my downfall. It keeps me in places I have no business being in. But it also keeps me living wholeheartedly. It powers my climb.
For a long time, I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. Everyone said, “It’s not you, it’s them”. But there’s so many of them. I’m the common denominator. It has to be me.
Yes, it is me. But it’s not anything that’s wrong with me. I’m growing. Evolving. Outgrowing.
I’m learning. Sometimes, I confuse triggers for love. And sometimes, my love is really just a trigger for someone else. We are all doing the best we can. A bunch of scared little kids walking around in grown up bodies. Pretending until we can’t pretend any longer.
Hope. I’m setting an intention to stop holding on. I can’t climb any mountains when I’m holding on to them.
I have hope I’m going to figure this all out someday. Actually, I know I will.
This post was written in response to Linda G Hill’s Stream of Social Consciousness Saturday
