It’s Father’s Day weekend, and it’s coming in hot. Get ready for your social media pages to be flowing with photos of dads. Restaurants will be busy, car shows will be attended, grills will be smoking and fish will be getting caught. Many will spend tomorrow remembering fathers who are no longer here. Graves will be visited, stories will be told and hearts will ache a little, remembering days gone by.
There is nothing like the bond we have with our fathers.
This can be true even for those who don’t talk to their fathers anymore. It could be from setting a boundary with an abusive dad. Or, maybe it wasn’t so much a boundary being drawn but a distance which slowly grew further each year, without either one recognizing what was happening until it was too late. There could have been a big blow-out fight which resulted in hurt feelings, stubbornness and resentment. A controlling partner might be keeping you from him, or him from you. Or maybe he just didn’t know how to be a dad, and wasn’t there from the get-go. You could play the scapegoat role in a narcissistic family. He might have had demons that were just too strong, or died before you could reconcile… or maybe you don’t know why he’s not with you. The possibilities are as endless as the number of this weekend’s cookouts.
How can one feel a bond to a father who isn’t in their lives? Maybe some are holding on to memories of better times, while others might cling tightly to the idea of what a father should be or could have been. For some, the bond to resentment is all that is left of their father-child relationship.
So, to those who are swimming in the complex emotions surrounding this Father’s Day weekend: I see you. I see all of it. I see the tears. I see the heartache. I see the jealousy. I see the shame. But I also see the strength. I see the accomplishment. I see the empowerment. I see the love. I see the lovability.
That’s right. I see the lovability. Because your father’s inability to father is not a reflection of you. Not. One. Bit.
So go ahead and give yourself permission to feel the very normal feelings which occur in response to the very abnormal situation of an absent father. Whether it’s grief, anger, sadness, relief, joy or peace…feel it freely. Let yourself feel the things you need to feel, say the things you need to say and do the things you need to do in order to continue on your path of living your best damn life, despite what may or may not be missing from it.
You’ve got this.
This post was written in response to Linda G. Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday
The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS June 19, 2021 | (lindaghill.com)
Love this! I consider myself fortunate that I had a Dad who was loving and supportive and did his best to take care of his family. I miss him. But it wasn’t until my parents passed away that I could really dig in and get healing. So as much as I miss him, I’m glad he finally moved on so I could too.
Thank you! The more I write about this, the more I realize that there is no such thing as a perfect dad. My friend was talking about how people have different love languages, and that has helped a lot.
Yes ma’am. We sure do. What strikes me lately is how whatever we grow up with is our “normal.” At least until we grow up and get out in the world a bit. And so many little girls grow up and marry men like their Dad.
Beautiful Jamie. With my biological father it’s he didn’t know how to be a dad, nor did he want to be a dad, so he wasn’t, plus 3000 miles away. With him I have done some inner chid work and finally had an important convo that allows me to forgive more. Today I will text him and ask if he wants to talk. With my stepdad it’s the narcissistic family dynamic, and I am the scapegoat (easy to do to a child that comes from a different father). My step dad isn’t interested in me at all as he enables my mother’s cluster B personality disorder – narc/borderline. The holidays that revolve around celebrating parents aren’t easy fir me. I’m a pound puppy. We need uncle and aunt days too. Yesterday I felt good being my own father, as I pulled out the tools and put something together on the deck. I will be alone today. My daughter is with het dad, and his family. Maybe I’ll have a convo with my bio dad whi lives in Arizona. We’ll see.
Wonderful, Jamie! I had a great relationship with my dad but I see that my kids (or at least two of them) struggle with their relationship with my husband because he went through a period of health and alcohol issues when they were younger. It makes me sad and I hope that things can get better but I respect their feelings and totally understand why they have them. Wish I had handled my part in it better but I can’t do anything about that now either.
Thank you for recognizing and affirming so many different possibilities and feelings. My father was imperfect, but with his passing and the passing of time, I’ve come to understand his demons and appreciate his strengths.
I suppose it’s a good thing we are oblivious to our parents demons while we are children, though some might benefit by knowing, so they won’t take their shortcomings personally
It could help to know a little at a time as we are ready. My mother gave me tiny hints about her childhood, but I suspect there was a lot more that she didn’t tell me about.