Tag Archives: Emotionally unavailable

Confusing love

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I was recently told by someone that I “confuse love for other things”. At first, I almost became defensive, but that feeling passed quickly. If I’ve learned anything these past few years, it’s to not take anything personally…and that anything is possible, even learning something new about myself. I do it all the time, yet sometimes, I  feel like I don’t know me at all.

I supposed I’ve known for some time now that I confuse love for other things. I think the struggle lately has been to figure out what those “other things” are. I’ve read enough about what they are to have an idea, but to apply it in real life, well, that’s tricky. But hey, I am on a journey to self-discovery, so this stuff takes time.

I’ve become a firm believer of the philosophy that if you just quiet your soul a bit and be still…observe…what you seek will find you. God, it’s SO much easier when what you seek finds you, rather than chasing that shit all over the place. My soul is exhausted. I’ve been searching for love everywhere. We all know this. I started searching last year, which is funny, because before that, I was ECSTATIC about the thought of spending my life alone, never to see man-parts again! I had broken free from my shackles of shitty life circumstances and I was free, baby! Bye Felicia!  Quite unstoppable, actually. Remember how I fixed my washing machine? How about when I changed the freaking motherboard on my refrigerator? Hell yeah! I was a strong, independent woman who didn’t need no man…till I met one.  That’s all it took, was meeting one single random man who stirred something in me when I was least expecting it. Next thing you know, I’m spending my days waiting for a text. What the hell happened there?

As Elaine Benis says, “yada, yada, yada….” and our relationship ended as quickly as it began. Typical, really. This is how it’s been my entire life. Me falling hard for someone who is unlikely to fall for me. I never did it intentionally. I just thought I had shitty luck in love. You know, one of those girls who only wants what she can’t have. The nice guys, who would’ve treated me like gold, worshiped me and put me on a pedestal, well…they stirred nothing within me. Pure Vanilla. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted those things. (I still do) I just only seemed to feel chemistry with guys who never seemed to be able to love me (I still do)…but dammit, I tried. I tried hard (I still do), because that chemistry, well…you can’t control that shit, you know? They say the heart wants what the heart wants.

Now that I’ve done more and more (and more!) work on myself, I’ve learned about attachment types and triggered responses and such, and it’s helped me a LOT. It’s helped me learn how my free-flowing communication and intimacy triggers that kind of guy’s anxiety and avoidance behavior, and how his avoidance behavior triggers MY anxiety. I don’t blame anyone anymore. It’s not his fault he’s not where I am. It just is what it is. I’ve also learned that a man’s inability to love me or be emotionally intimate with me is not a reflection of who I am. I know this, I truly do. I know this shit inside and out. It has helped me intellectually accept why things never seem to work out for me. Intellectually, I say.

Here’s the thing: I am confident of my lovability. Is that a word? It is now. I am also confident that I bring joy into peoples lives, because I’m all amazing and shit. Seriously, get to know me and you’ll see.  I wore a full faced Kim Jong Un sweatshirt to an ugly Christmas sweater party with plastic tiny Trump hands. I AM a good time, dammit!  I know this. I believe this. I am extremely secure in this. It wasn’t always this way, but it is now, and that’s all that counts. Herein lies the struggle: how to turn of that “chemistry” with the wrong people and turn it on with the right people.  Seemingly impossible! All year, I’ve been working on how to let go of the unwilling and let in the willing, and God, it is NOT as easy as it sounds. And I’m not just talking potential romantic interests. This also includes the men in my family (the root of most of my dysfunction, but that’s a story for another day). Funny how spot on they are when they relate how you choose men to how your family relationships are. So damn funny. Effin riot.

So, on my journey to self-discovery, I came across this tidbit the other day. You can read it here...

“People of the emotionally unavailable species are always seemingly impossible to quit because of their ‘unpredictability’, which we mistake for ‘chemistry’ or ‘true love'”.

Oh. I see…

“These are the mysterious, ambiguous guys that will always keep you guessing and keep you ‘on your toes’ (aka in a perpetual state of mixed signals, mind fucking and the questioning-everything-kind-of-insecurity, insanity, WTF-is-wrong-with-me-I-must-be-going-crazy, miserable existence that you’d rather be in and try to ‘fix’ than be out and alone”

Interesting…

“You know you can’t fully have all of him, and there lies the ‘chemistry’. Emotionally unavailable guys are so luring because even when you ‘have’ them, it never really feels like you do. It gets all your validation seeking antennae all amped up because you’re addicted to this perpetual cycle of tying your worth to trying to turn the reluctant project into an emotionally reformed, responsible guy that’s capable of an authentic connection”.

Bingo! And there we have it, folks.  Of course I confuse love with other things. Of course I do. This perpetual cycle started when I was 9 years old with the man I loved the most and it hasn’t stopped. Each man I encounter with his energy keeps it going. Even when I have him, it never really feels like I do. Yes. This is it. This is how I have always felt. Always. I have no idea what love is. I only know how to chase love. And I certainly know enough to not trust love. That shit can be yanked away at any time, with no warning. Hence, the chase. It doesn’t matter who. I gotta be on my toes…

I only know how to chase love.

I confuse love with trying to make the unavailable available. It’s all I know.

Scratch that. It’s all I knew. Just wait.

I’m still unstoppable.

 

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Letting go letters

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I’m a crier. Hard core. You know, one of those people who can’t seem to hold it in AT ALL, who wells up even when she’s not sad. It happens when I’m mad, when I’m frustrated, when I see a mother love a newborn baby, when I watch videos of soldiers surprising their kids with an early homecoming,  or maybe when I’m too hungry and something super minor happens…like when they mess up my order at the pizza place. Well, come on…you can’t just PICK OFF olives, you know. That oil soaks IN, dammit. Anyway, I turn into a mess, and get emotional and it kind of bubbles up and ruins whatever conversation I was supposed to be having and turns it into feelings overload. Not a big deal with the soldier videos, but kind of a big deal when it’s from me being hurt or frustrated. Basically when my emotional expectations are not met.

That being said…I haven’t done that in quite some time now. Months, really. It’s actually kind of awesome to have this new sense of calmness about me. I mean, sure… I still cry. When sad things happen. Or when I think long enough about sad things. That’s normal. That’s what people do when they are sad…they cry. And I enjoy the cry when it’s about something beautiful. I don’t ever want to lose that type of cry. But, I don’t do much of the over crying about people not meeting my emotional expectations anymore. Especially when I want to talk to someone about something important. Last summer, every time I talked to someone I cared deeply for, about things between us that was hurting me, it always ended up with me hard-core emotionally crying, which caused them to completely shut down and run away.  I was trying so desperately to get them to see my point of view, and it simply was impossible. Frustrating, devastating at times, but inevitably impossible. Ugh.

A few of these people, well…we haven’t talked in months. In the weeks that followed us not talking, I still did all the heavy-duty crying, just all by myself. I was no longer trying to get them to see my point of view, but I still wanted them to. Or at least, I wanted them to understand my point of view, except that was never going to happen with all of my emotions, combined with their emotional unavailability. That’s an incompatible, yet common mix right there.  Anyone who’s been reading my blog understands that I’m a magnet for emotionally unavailable men because I was raised in a family of emotionally unavailable men. (Yes, it’s THAT easy to figure out!) I’m not sure if me crying to myself was better or worse. I’m sure MUCH better for them, but not so much for me. I still felt all those feelings, and had to hold on to them. Well, I didn’t have to, but I did. That is, until I didn’t.

Want to know how I finally realized how to not hold on to those feelings anymore? Letters. Yep. I wrote them letters. Long, organic, messy, handwritten, stained with tears letters. I poured the contents of my soul out in those letters. Vulnerable, raw and honest. I wrote all the things I couldn’t get out of my mouth, either due to crying, or due to fear, or due to interruptions or whatever other reason keeps one from getting their point across. I was able to say the things I that were eating away at my core. I got them OUT of my body, my  mind, my soul. When the words left me, they took the emotions with them. Emotions were meant to be felt and released, not ignored and hidden. Many of the things I wrote were things my insecurities would NEVER allow me to say to someone. But in those letters, I was free to say it all…the good, the bad…the ugly. Because, no one was ever going to read them. That’s right, I never sent them. Sure, I’ve sent people in my life plenty of emotional letters over the past few years…that’s what I do. I write. But these letters, these ones are different. These are therapy. These release angst and lead me to the path of inner peace, by gracing me with the gift of letting go.

Those letters, along with many other things I do for myself,  have helped me to let go of any expectations from people I love. I don’t seek validation from them anymore. I accept their decisions as things I have no control over, and that they are not any reflection of me. I only cry once in a while, and it’s just to clear out the cobwebs of sadness from them not being in my life anymore.  If I cry more than that, I’ll just write another letter…but I haven’t written one since December…

I can let go of anything now.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS May 5/18

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Cut short the funk

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Id like to thank the universe for cutting short the funk I’ve been in these past few months. I knew something was about to happen. I could feel it building up over the past few weeks. Amid all the inner turmoil, I would catch glimpses of whatever “it” was…little glimmers of hope, of putting puzzle pieces together in my brain. I kept up with my “work”…meditating my ass off, writing in my journal, researching attachment types, abandonment issues and emotionally unavailable men. The other night, I tearfully sat in my friend’s driveway, telling her how desperate I was to change my attachment type, knowing full well the only way I was ever going to stop the pattern of only being drawn to emotionally unavailable men was to believe in my own self worth, and to make peace with the first emotionally unavailable relationship in my life. Easier said than done, people. Easier said than done.

I spent another day soul-searching. Reading. Listening to podcasts. I knew I had all the answers in my possession, I just had to figure out how to make them work. I could feel an impending shift inside me. I went to dinner that night with my friends, still tearfully talking about the same thing, but telling them “something big is about to happen to me…I can feel it.” And wouldn’t you know it… I woke up the very next day, and the angst was gone. Just like that. It lifted. I exhaled. I smiled.  I thought about trying to figure just what it was that made it go away, but I stopped… No need to. I just wanted to enjoy it.

I felt like a damn rock star.  I kicked ass at work that day. I ended up finishing early because everything seem to line up just right. I noticed a lot of synchronicity throughout the day, and knew it was the universe falling into place for me.  I ended up completing a lot of tasks I had put  off for months. Every interaction I had was joyful and purposeful. I was mindful of everything. I was walking on air and felt unstoppable.

Are you waiting for me to tell you about when the other shoe fell? Well, I’m not going to. The synchronicity is still happening. I still feel no inner turmoil. It’s been days now, and I’m still a rock star.  Carry on.

 

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Nov. 4/17

 

 

 

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