I write about love a lot on here. Not so much love stories, or being in love…more like the struggle of love. Which is ironic, because real love should not be a struggle at all. It is for me, though. Not as much, lately, but something I’ll probably be working on for the rest of my life…and likely during the next life, too.
Last year, I wrote a blog post about a really difficult, yet amazing time in my life. These difficult, amazing times make for the best writing from me, if I do say so myself. I often go back and read this particular story about the deer, it’s that amazing. You can read it here.
The reason I’m sharing this post from last year is not to promote it, or get out of writing something worthy tonight. I received a decent amount of comments on that post, considering I’m not well-known in the blogging world. One comment in particular has stuck with me all this time. I reference a phrase from it almost weekly, at times…in my mind. I’ve never said it out loud or written it down. It just plays in my mind, like someone softly speaking it to me when I least expect it. I don’t really know why it’s stuck with me. Must be part of God’s plan. That’s what I tend to say when I can’t figure something out, “It must be God’s plan for me to fall in love with emotionally unavailable men”. It’s a great way to deflect responsibility. But sometimes, I think it’s true. Sometimes, you just gotta give it to God, or you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.
Anyway, I’ve been repeating this phrase from that one comment a lot lately. Dealing with love, or more accurately, the loss of love. More like the loss of the idea of love…my expectations of love. God, there was a period of time during the past few years where I didn’t think I was capable of even feeling love, let alone worthy of receiving love. I’ve grown past those feelings, a bit. Not by experiencing love, per say…but by facing the loss of my expectations, I’ve been able to grieve the love I thought I should have had. Well, I’m still grieving, to be honest. Does grief ever truly end? I’m not sure it does. I think you just learn to live around it. Or through it. You spend your life fluidly dancing around it then diving right in and sinking a bit. I never even knew you could grieve a feeling or emotion, did you? I also didn’t realize you could grieve a person when he was still alive. Trust me, you can.
Anyway, back to this comment I was talking about. It was from Finding A Sober Miracle on WordPress. We didn’t know each other at all when she wrote this. Since then, we’ve developed a connection. Another part of God’s plan I haven’t quite figured out just yet. So, she reads my post about the deer and my fears and trauma and confusion and she just opens up her heart and speaks to me….
“Please know that nothing could ever change y our worth in the slightest. If anything, you are all the more precious for being the lost lamb.”
Why do I keep repeating “you are all the more precious for being the lost lamb”? Over and over and over…for a good year and a half now.
I suppose I really am a lost lamb. I’ve had the people I love most in this world walk away from me this year. I know it’s them, and not me. I get it all. I understand their capabilities. I realize my value is not lessened because other’s can’t see it. But I’m still the lost lamb. Understanding someone’s behavior doesn’t make the tears go away. Knowing why you can’t be in a family any longer doesn’t make you feel any less lost. Overcoming a life of trauma does not mean you won’t be traumatized as an adult, and overcoming abandonment issues is challenging when you are currently being abandoned. Does this make me more precious to God? I hope so. I hope there’s some divine reason for it…
I’m giving it to God.
The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Oct. 13/18
Awww Jamie I know how it feels to think you are so lost but in many ways you have found out more about yourself in past years than many others do. I think true love has to be based on real presence with others and the ability to show up and in your job you do that all the time. I know its not the same as finding that special someone but I think there are other ways of loving and being loved. You are so more worthy than you will ever know. <3
I know you know…
You are right. Real presence is at the heart of all this. Those that I feel should be, they just aren’t. Those that are, I need to have gratitude for.
And you and I? BOTH more worthy than we will ever know…xo
I have had the same frustrations with needing things from the wrong people but its takes some time to learn who can be there and who cannot. Most of all we can be there for ourselves by not criticising ourselves all the time but also being open to learning about others too. Hope this makes sense, Hugs xoxo
It does make sense. I understand all of this, intellectually. My heart, on the other hand…
That was quite beautiful, “all the more precious for being the lost lamb.”
It really is something:)
Wrapping you in a massive, fuzzy, soft blanket of love. I’m still struggling from time to time with family issues myself, so I hear you loud and clear.
One of the biggest challenges survivors can face is the fallout of reclaiming our power through speaking our truth. Shattering years of lies (which has been the status quo). Because we are the ones brave enough to stand up, when people’s current reality is broken, we are often target #1.
Always remember you are not only a lost lamb, but a lioness as well. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have made the amazing progress you’ve made.
I know you hear me loud and clear…
I’ve heard that fallout you describe referred to as “the second wounding”. In some ways, worse than the first, isn’t it?
Glad to have you as part of my pride…xo
I register your grief here Jami. You are right in that – ‘I know it’s them, and not me.’ And you’re right in that does not make it any easier knowing that.
You also know that love is more than a feeling. It is a verb and you are an action oriented person who knows how to love as you speak of your boys, and your friends of 7 or 13. You model the true meaning of love with them and they return that to you.
This is a broken world and there is no way of preventing the hurt from selfish acts in this world. The only thing we can do is try to live in the light, and grow the love in this world. I think that is what is in your heart and you are puzzled why it is not in others that have walked away from you this year. Fear, selfishness, denial – that is what prevents that in all of us at times but you have pushed that aside so much better than so many others have.
Agreed on the comment of a lioness! Courage comes from the heart!
Wow, Steverino…you have done an excellent job putting the description of me and my scenario into words! You are quite the validator:)
To quote Brene Brown…”vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage”
Jami, I’m so honored that the comment stuck with you. One huge benefit of being the lost lamb is that all the universe seeks you out, and helps you find the love that isn’t changeable … that doesn’t depend on what you do or say. You are such a loving and amazing person that love must return to you every day, and in a million ways.
I’m going to email you the context of that quote. ; )
And by the way, I consider you a sister in every sense of the word, so you do have some family members sticking by you. 💕
I tried responding earlier with my phone but technical difficulties ensued. I hope I can word it the way I was feeling when I read your comment.
Love DOES return to me in a million ways every day! I am learning to not seek it in other ways and accept what is… lifelong struggle, I suppose. I’m learning:)
And I’m not gonna lie…I teared up a bit at that last part of your comment. I lost two sisters through all this, but kept one. Now I have two…xo
Heartbreakingly sad and oh so true, all of it. I have grieved the living and still grieve one now. I often wonder if it will ever be different, but all I can do is hope.
You’re right and you’re true and you’re brave.
I know I am true and brave. Still, heartbreakingly sad. I don’t hold out as much hope as I used to, but I never say never anymore. Time will tell…
This really is beautiful and true, you are precious and giving these things to God does help. I wonder about this sentence: “….real love should not be a struggle at all.” I have times when I struggle with my love, But I do believe that the times of struggle in real love are few are far between and that real love is mostly peace and joy.
I read somewhere that when you meet the “one”, it should not feel like excitement and fireworks. You should feel calm and at peace. We’ll see😊
I can get excited about feeling calm and peace when I know it’s real. 😉 Yes. We’ll see!