Nice things

Working on yourself can really suck. It’s so hard…like sweaty, dirty, hot kind of work. Like gardening. I fucking hate gardening. I love to have pretty flowers and fresh vegetables, but the work it requires to get those things? Forget it! Much easier just to buy them and let someone else do the dirty work. But working on yourself doesn’t roll that way. In this line of work, you are the only gardener in town. Only you can create the harvest. Sure, you can consult some experts in different areas… maybe someone who specializes in weed control, or another who can teach you how to water your soil properly…but in the end, it’s really up to you to do the work. Every. Damn. Day. Seriously, it doesn’t stop. You get into your groove, sweating away, pulling up weed after weed, nurturing your garden with water, sun…building fences to keep pesky animals out, you know…the ones who want to steal your flowers, or even just stomp on them for no good reason. You get into that groove of sweaty work, even though it sucks. Weeks go by and nothing grows, but you keep toiling away, because that lady at the garden center promised you things would grow if you stayed the course. And just when you start thinking about quitting and going back to the grocery store, you spy a little flower. It’s tiny, and the average person might just walk right on by and not even notice it, buy you notice it. It looks so fragile to you, so you do whatever you can to protect it. You become a fierce guardian of this little bloom. You become badass. Next thing you know, the pesky animals know about this badass guardian, and they don’t come around anymore, so more flowers start to bloom. Before you know it, you’ve got yourself a damn garden! You feel empowered. Hard work really does pay off!

The problem is, you get kind of distracted after a while. The flowers are thriving now, and there’s no threat in sight, so you decide to sit on the deck for a bit and relax… you know, because you’re so badass. You start spending your weekends socializing instead of digging, because really…a garden this successful doesn’t need constant attention, right? After a few weeks, you notice a couple of weeds. You realize it’s because you’ve been slacking off, so you get right back into your work routine. At this point, it’s pretty easy to get rid of them. It’s hardly even work anymore. Before you know it, you’re right back to sitting on the deck with your friends, going out and living life…taking chances on things you’d never had the nerve to before. That’s what empowerment does to you…it makes you brave. And maybe sometimes, a little cocky. It doesn’t take much time at all before you find yourself in a situation you think you deserve, because earned it after doing all this work, right? And maybe you do deserve it, but here’s the thing…maybe you don’t. Or maybe you let your expectations get a little too high. Or maybe you think you’re ready for something big, but really… you’re just not ready. You want to be ready, but there’s just too much gardening to do. You took some time off from the hard work and got yourself into a really distracting situation…and you got yourself this really nice thing…and now the weeds are everywhere. They’re so overgrown, they engulf whatever it is that was distracting you from them. Like they are getting revenge or something. And this is why you can’t have nice things….

Or maybe it’s because all the work in the world is not enough to fix what is wrong with you…



9 thoughts on “Nice things”

  1. In a way consciousness is continued pain to the degree that we never truly arrive anywhere, or we arrive but then things move on. I am not sure we are ever fixed. I just think we become aware and often that hurts a lot, but sometimes its sweet, like the dichotomy between work in the garden and flowers for flowers only bloom for a short phase in the entire life cycle of a plant. 🙂

    1. Flowers only bloom for a short phase…maybe that’s what I need to learn to accept. Some things just aren’t meant to last. But you’re right, being more aware sure does hurt a lot.

  2. I hear ya sister – loud and clear. Hang in there. I know this is so cliché, but it really is darkest before the dawn. Just go back to your basics- take care of yourself first!! Take time for you when you can. Meditate. Remember your truth. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    More and more I’m appreciating that our perception of who we are is a mish mash of messages we get from our fear-based brain, messages we get through our heart, and messages we get from our body. And the shitty talk that goes through our heads comes directly from beliefs we created in childhood. Beliefs that were true when we created them, but aren’t true anymore. Beliefs like “there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed”.

    You’re not alone in struggling right now. As difficult as my spring was, the past few weeks has been excruciating. Minute by minute at times. Last night when I was trying to mediate, all I could see was an image of a bubble that was trying to pop (dying to pop). Finally, today, when I was talking with a friend, something she said tripped the switch in my brain and I had a breakthrough. You never know when or how it will happen, but it will.

    1. God, I really could use a breakthrough right about now. It just can be so hard to rid yourself of the feeling of being broken, of all the negative shit you think about yourself, when the reason you have said shit still exists. My childhood beliefs are, unfortunately, still true, in certain areas of my life. And those areas transfer those shitty feelings to other areas where they don’t belong. And all the gardening in the world can’t seem to keep those shitty feelings out of where they don’t belong. I guess I’m just frustrated…feeling defeated. It really sucks to go from feeling like Wonder Woman to feeling like nobody.

      I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult time. It’s not fair, is it…
      Glad someone tripped the switch for you?

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