Raining outside my bubble

I’ve been living in a comfy bubble for the past 8 months. It was soft and sweet and comforted me. I crafted this bubble out of people and activities that nourish my soul. It’s worked pretty well for me. I’ve been happy. I’ve grown from a compact seed to a blooming flower in there. It’s like a perfect greenhouse…plenty of sunlight and water and full-time gardeners to tend to my flowers and pull my weeds with me. I’ve become empowered and bold inside this nifty garden bubble of mine. I healed inside this bubble.

The thing is, bubbles are fragile. Everyone knows that. As soon as it comes in contact with something sharp, it pops. So, what on Earth made me think I could get away with living in one? My cozy little bubble popped this week. Just like that. It came in contact with something very jagged that I had tried to keep way out in the periphery.  You think I would’ve seen this jagged thing coming, seeing how bubbles are transparent. Was I too busy having a good time with my gardeners? I wonder if maybe I did know it was coming, but just looked the other way…wishing it away.  Pretending it wouldn’t find its way in…

So, my bubble popped and the sunshine went away. Easy as that. And, the sun was replaced with a dark cloud, right over my head. A cloud that rained down on me. All of a sudden, there were weeds growing everywhere. My gardeners tried to keep up with them, but I shooed them away. I hated those weeds and knew no one really wanted to be around them.  I found myself standing there alone, in a pile of weeds, in the rain…missing my garden.

So, I did what any other recently healed woman would do in this situation. I cried. A lot. And I sat under that storm cloud all week and just let it rain all over me. It got to the point where I couldn’t figure out where the rain ended and my tears started. They just blended into one giant flood of emotions… anger, sadness, worthlessness, blame, shame, insecurity…I waded around in that flood and then just floated in it, letting it soak in to my core. This wasn’t my first rodeo in this kind of emotional flood. I think back to my good friend, Mary, telling me last summer, as I was bitter about this same exact subject…”Sometimes, you’ve just got to sit in your shit”. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time, but I figured it out. Sometimes, life just sucks. Period. You can do all the motivational, inspiring speaking you want on the subject, but it still sucks. And sometimes, you just need to honor your emotions, without blaming or judging yourself for having them. Just sit in your shit for a while. Let the rain soak you to the bone.  Feel your feelings. Eventually, the sun starts shining again, even if just a peek…and you slowly start to dry off…

So now, I just have to figure out life outside the bubble…

 

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS June 24/17

This post was written in response to Linda G Hill’s Stream of Social Consciousness Saturday

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11 thoughts on “Raining outside my bubble”

      1. I haven’t seen many posts from you lately. I was wondering if you were going through something. I looked at your comment after I left mine. A lot of shit storms happening to us girls and we just deserve better. We deserve the light to shine on us and good little bubbles to stay in place so we are safe and happy and protected.

      2. Oh Susan, I’m so sorry you are in your own pot of shit right now. It really sucks to sit in there, doesn’t it? I sat in it for a week, which really is not that long, considering I resided in it for most of last year. Sending lots of positive energy to you. I know you will figure your way through it, in its own time:)

  1. Damn it my bubble burst too. Whyyyyyyy. I want it back…how could this happen!! I was there and cruising along and thinking hey this is pretty cool I am managing all of this shit storm pretty well and then boom. Nope. Not any longer. I tried to bounce back for a few days but nope, not happening. So I am a blubbering, wandering aimlessly, cry fest of PTSD and anxiety and “does this smell, did that smell, what is that smell” world that I so wish I could just slap myself and say snap out of it already for fuck sake. But alas. It isn’t happening. So sister, with ya in the trenches!!!! Sending love your way

    1. Awww, that sucks! I’m sorry you were in the trenches with me. I wrote the post and didn’t come back on here till now. I was freaking MISERABLE! All from seeing a seemingly simple photograph. Long story, but thankfully, I only stewed in it for a week before the cloud lifted. I’m finding I rebound more quickly now. I’ve also learned that this dark place inside me is never going to fully go away, no matter how much therapy I go to. It’s always going to be right there. I’m sure I will visit it from time to time throughout the rest of my life. I just have to learn how to not overstay my welcome when I’m there.

      Lots of love to you. I hope you are feeling better. I’ll be visiting your blog soon:)

      1. I’m feeling that way right now. I was doing great for a week and then bam. Anxiety. Bam. Depression. And the dark cloud has descended. And misery has set in. You are right. It just is there. Hovering, around the corner, in the back recesses of my mind, just waiting to say, oh hey, let me fuck up your week for NO apparent reason. If the spaces could just be more spaced out for longer periods of time that would be great!the last 3 days are just spiraling manic/exhausted/ mess. I went to therapy and ended up just blabbing about the heavy load and how it cant be lifted. And she didnt have much to offer on that other than yep it sucks you have way too much on your plate. Nothing about three hundred grand wouldn’t fix!!!!
        I wish i could say i was feeling better. I try. I really do. If you look at my blog i actively try to find the good and stay in it. But at night it just comes over me like a blanket and im trapped underneath it. Sucks. Love to you too. Glad you are out from under it!!!

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