The idea of a man

Almost my entire life, I’ve had a skewed perception regarding men. Though, I didn’t realize it was skewed until this past year. I’m glad I finally found out. Some women take those thoughts to the grave without ever knowing.

I suppose the confusion started when I was 13. I won’t go into details, other than to say I did not get to choose who to lose my virginity to, nor at what age I was to lose it.  The misconception grew, over the next few years, as similar scenarios played out with 3 different boys. By the time I was 16, it was painfully obvious what my purpose was with the opposite sex. Other than my body, I had no value.

As I got older, I was able to choose who I wanted to do these things with. The problem was, by that point, I didn’t know anything different from what I had experienced, so ended up putting myself in situations that left me feeling the same way I did at 13. It’s funny (not funny) how the brain talks you into recreating trauma scenarios, just because it’s all you know. You grow up accepting that “other people get those things…you only get this”. Having no value rings true, even towards yourself.

Long story short, I went to therapy. It’s been over a year now since I started. I learned that the heavy feelings of worthlessness and shame were not because of things I’d done…they were because of things done to me. I never knew that. Can you believe it? I honestly never knew that. Well, once I figured that out, I became angry. I was angry at every man who ever made me feel “less than”. Angry at myself for letting it happen. Angry at my husband for being just like them, even though I now know that’s the whole reason I chose him. I started to take my power back. I got divorced…and realized I did not want another man. One friend jokingly called me a “man-hater”. It wasn’t correct. I didn’t hate men. I just hated what a lot of men did. I started to speak up about injustice towards women…and spoke up loudly. I became a feminist. It was empowering! Lifting that heavy weight was liberating to my soul. It was like nothing could stop me…unless I talked about being with another man. Those thoughts caused a sinking feeling deep inside me. When I felt them, I felt defective and ashamed.  I guess I wasn’t completely healed…

So, I continued with my feminism. I continued with accomplishing new things and using my voice to keep that empowered feeling. I continued with therapy and yoga and mediation and writing…all the things I learned to do to nurture my soul…to heal. I started to lose a lot of that anger. I softened. I hollowed out my soul. Honestly, I’m not sure what I want the end result to be. Maybe I’m already at the end result. Maybe I’ll never get there. How will I know?  Do I need to be OK with having a man in my life to prove to myself that I’m totally healed?  I’m not sure I do.  What I do know is, after continuing my work, after nurturing myself the way I’ve always craved it, instead of fearing men… I’m now comfortable with the idea of a man in my life.  I’m comfortable with the possibility of meeting a man who empowers me, who lifts me up, who adores me…a man who values me.  And if that doesn’t pan out, I think I’ll be just fine…because I empower me, I lift myself up, I adore me and …I value me. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I firmly believe that the challenge is to love yourself. Once you are able to do that, everything else falls into place. What that “place” is, I have no idea…I’m leaving that up to the universe.

 

 

This post was written in response to Linda G Hill’s Stream of Social Consciousness Saturday…free-flowing, organic writing with no edits!

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Mar. 18/17

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26 thoughts on “The idea of a man”

  1. Jamie what would happen if you gave up ideas or projections of ‘healing’? You will always carry thosr experience with you. Opening your heart to another man is a fear so many go through but I do feel if and when the time was right you coukd do it, but it may probably still bring some pain because our wounds are stll always there they just dont control us as much. 💖.

    1. Well, when I think of the word “healing”, I mostly relate it to losing the self judgement and negative feelings I have towards myself. In that aspect, I’d say I’m almost done. Of course, there’s the other aspect…the part of not feeling like a “normal” woman when it comes to sex and men…triggers and such. I know all of that will never just go away, but I’d like to think it will heal enough to just be a scar, and get to the point where it’s not scary and doesn’t hurt. Right now, I guess I can say I’m almost there, too…as I’m not scared and hurt…but that’s just because I’m living in a bubble without men:)

      1. Yes entering into the reality of it cannot be imagined totally by your mind as we carry all our deeply felt experience into it. That is what I am trying to say. We have to live it and that isn’t as easy as we often think. Reaching out to trust again naturally brings up the wounds and that is all part of it. <3

        1. Definitely not easy. So much so, that I don’t even want to try it…not yet. If the time comes, and it’s right, I’ll know it. Till then, I’m ok just trusting me:)

  2. I agree: being able to love yourself and be comfortable with your own company is an important first step. What comes after that is anyone’s guess. But the possibilities are no longer as limited. 🙂
    Great, thought-provoking post, Jami. 🙂

  3. You are so on point! Working on being able to love yourself and open your heart to yourself is the most important thing in the world. Bar none! And you’re doing so well. The fun part of life is when we figure out how to life ourselves up enough to reach out and help others lift themselves up. It’s positively contagious.

    I recently saw a Facebook Live video done by Rikka Zimmerman (a healer who is phenomenal- she healed herself from cancer a year or two back). She did a process, working with a gal who had issues around abundance. They were actually issues around self worth. Anyway, I highly, highly recommend watching the two videos Rikka made. Her technique is a fantastic one that really works- finds the core of an issue in minutes. The cool thing is, she made the second video a day after the first, and the woman is already experiencing big changes in herself in just a day (and they continue to ripple out). I put them on my healing FB page. Hope you don’t mind my sharing them, as they are very powerful. (https://www.facebook.com/EnergyHealingAndSpirituality)

  4. “Honestly, I’m not sure what I want the end result to be. Maybe I’m already at the end result. Maybe I’ll never get there. How will I know? ” At 58, I’m still wondering, and still in transition. I’m guessing that will be true in another twenty years.

    1. I’m sure that will be true for me, as well.

      It’s funny, meeting people on here. It’s like reading a book and making up with the characters look like in your head. I only know you from some of your posts and comments, and for some reason, I pictured you to be around 22 years old!

      1. :::printing comment to hang on my wall with the 22 years old circled in red ink::: I usually get pegged to be in my mid-to-late 30s. 🙂 Perpetual immaturity and a propensity for the eff word.

  5. I have no words of wisdom, as I’ve never been through the things you have had to overcome, but I do wish you happiness and love in your life. Take care of You! that is the first priority. <3

  6. Really great post. 🙂 I think there are a lot of people who share the sentiment, unaware of what they’ve learned or carried along the way. I’m glad you had this epiphany. It can only lead to good things.
    I always say I was happy single and I’m happy married and I could be happy single again. I do so enjoy sharing my life with a man, but it’s not necessary.

  7. Congratulations on doing so much work on healing your relationship to men. You are further down the path on this than I am. I am older than you and have had a lot of relationships. These days I find it easier to live alone.

  8. Bravo! The road to recovery from abuse (whatever form it takes) is long and difficult. Some are able to go farther along than others. Just surviving is, itself, an achievement. You though have made terrific strides. <3 <3 <3

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