Scapegoat role

I was 44 when I first identified the role I’d been playing my entire life. Or, that I even realized I was playing a role. We all are. You know this, right? The role you are assigned depends on so many variables outside of your control. The country you live in, the schools you attend, the religion you practice, your gender, the television you watch…all contribute to determining what your role is.  Right down to the family you are born in to… it all conditions you to play the role you are assigned. It starts from day one, so you don’t even realize it’s not your decision. It just is.

I think my role was mostly determined by the family I was raised in. And my gender. The role was of a quiet, submissive, obedient “seen and not heard” good girl. It’s a pretty easy role to play. All I had to do was keep my mouth shut for most of my days and I was all set. No questioning anything, no arguing…just keep quiet, don’t make waves and all will be well.  If someone tells you to do something, you do it. Simple. That’s all I knew. Not to brag, but I was pretty damn good at it. I mean, even through abandonment, emotional neglect, abuse…I stuck to that role, dammit! I wasn’t happy, I struggled, and I certainly didn’t feel like a “good girl”…but I played that role. I think the struggle was because all of those things happened to me, and made me realize I was actually a bad girl. Playing the role became even more important. Maybe it would keep people from finding out just how bad I really was.

I became an adult, moved out and continued to struggle. BUT, when you can play the role like I can, no one really sees it. Not even me. I repeated cycles of bad relationships, tolerating bad behavior, never believing in myself, because hey…what else was there? Nothing I had ever known. When my husband eventually found out, he told me I should win the Academy Award. I’m THAT good!!!

At least I was good at something.

Fast forward to age 44: I went to therapy. Hallelujah! I peeled off a few layers and realized I had been typecast in a very bad, bad role. I kept playing the same shitty character in the same shitty movie, over and over and over again. The movie was so shitty, no one ever watched it. It went straight to Blue Ray. The plot was kind of like Cinderella…minus her getting to go to the ball. Can you imagine Cinderella ending with her just staying at home, being bullied and unloved? Who wants to watch a movie with a horrible plot that never ends? Not me. Not any longer, at least. I couldn’t even remember my lines anymore.

Brene Brown says vulnerability is the birthplace of courage.  She didn’t study shame and vulnerability for 20 years for nothing, you know. So, here’s what I did: I dove into the vulnerability swamp, which was full of my shame, of all that “badness”, and I became brave for the very first time in my life. That’s right…I stepped out of that role.

I just…stepped…out.

The thing about stepping out of character in a movie is, the directors get PISSED. It throws off the entire equilibrium of the set. No one knows what to do when the actor ad libs. It becomes awkward and uncomfortable and all the directors want to do is get the actor back in that role so no one can see they aren’t in control of their film. Except it’s not their film. It’s life. And they can’t control my life any more than I can control theirs. And seriously, no one gives a SHIT about this shitty movie…no one is even WATCHING!

I’ll give you one guess as to what happened next. Yep. I got kicked off the set. Was told I’d never work in town again. My new role was an exaggerated version of my childhood role… scapegoat. All of the production problems were now being blamed on me. Even the ones that had nothing to do with me. I guess it’s just easier that way. Kinda stinks, because I loved that crew. It was like the Truman show…been with some of them since day one. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not enough fame or money in the world to get me to play that sad character again. It makes me sad that they won’t let me play a different role, one that’s more suited for me. I don’t need to play a princess that gets to go to the ball and meet her Prince Charming. I’d settle for them just letting me be the authentic me, and loving me anyway.  Not sure they know what that means, though.

(This updated scapegoat role sucks. If you’re not careful, it might drive you crazy. Or literally crack your heart into pieces)

Anyway, life is not a fairy tale. So I’m moving on, trying to manage my own production company. It’s not too complicated. There’s only one actor to manage. And no script. However, the entire world is my audience…

 

This post was written in response to Linda G. Hill’s Stream of Social Consciousness Saturday

 

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Nov. 17/18

 

 

 

 

 

 

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

27 thoughts on “Scapegoat role”

  1. You apply this analogy perfectly!! You have me thinking about my role. I changed it without defining it as such a thing. Thank you for this!!

    1. I’ve been reading up lately on narcissistic families. All of the research describes family roles. Amazing how easy it was to identify each family member. I love how we can change our role any time we want to. I don’t even care if I think the role will pan out for me or not now, as long as if feels right, I’m playing it.

  2. It is the biggest club around and grows every day. There is a price for those of us who escape, but those who don’t stay true to us, never really were ours, they were part of the role. All the best.

    1. It’s a HUGE club. I had no idea. I think most people don’t have a clue about it’s existence, until they find themselves awake and on the receiving end of things. And they never really were ours, were they…

      1. Survival lead me to getting my degrees in Psychology and all the pieces came together. I spent years working inside the system that is suppose to protect the most vulnerable. Alas, they really don’t care.

  3. And what a role it is! Such personal freedom, yet those around us don’t particularly like their status quo being changed without their permission, do they? I hated shattering my younger brother’s reality a few years ago by sharing my family secret with him, introducing him to a side of his older brother he never knew. Luckily, he (and his wife) believed me and decided to stick by me. As you already know, even though the others have cast you into the role of their scapegoat, you don’t have to own it and run with it. That’s their issue. And yes, it’s not easy.

    1. Some days it feels like freedom…other days more like torture. But the good thing is, the better days are starting to outweigh the bad ones. I do have one sister who I know will never leave me, and I have amazing friends who are my chosen family, and of course my boys…and extended family. And my patients. And me. I have all I need, really.

  4. Great analogies here in this post. When we pick up a role in childhood, it’s hard to step out of it. We fall back in so easily, or jump to another role. But you are stepping out into wellness and wholeness. Sometimes, I try to stand outside the roles and love their good parts. The good girl knows how to adapt and be supportive of others, but she’s also learning to take care of herself. The scapegoat has so much courage! Each role is a way to survive and adapt. Each role has it’s strength. Maybe there’s a way to integrate those strengths. I love seeing the progression to your last comment about your chosen family and having all you need.

  5. I’ve played the scapegoat role as well. Now I simply refuse to play in that sandbox. Recently, my sister who is 14 years my junior (she was born when you and I were 14) told me that I am “the super villain of mom’s life story.” She nailed it. My mother made me the super villain of her life story. Having a new way to describe it to people is rather liberating. 👍🏻

  6. This is brilliant! I LOVE how you’ve interwoven the similarities of life’s progression, awareness and taking charge into how movies function. The last bit was perfect – “Anyway, life is not a fairy tale. So I’m moving on, trying to manage my own production company. It’s not too complicated. There’s only one actor to manage. And no script. However, the entire world is my audience…” Good job, Jami!

  7. I know exactly where you are Jami and it takes a lot of courage of to stay the course when nobody relates and the director gets pissed off. It is perfectly ok and you are playing the role of your life. It doesn’t have to fit anyone but you and I applaud your decision. It’s the only way to stay truthful to yourself. You got this, beautiful butterfly.

    1. Thank you, my friend. I’ve been struggling with this so much lately, but I think I’m finally turning the corner of acceptance. Life is definitely easier when you ride the waves instead of swimming against them, though there are times when it’s appropriate to swim. Love your support💕

      1. Perfect words describing the current situation. I do know and all you do is need to listen to your soul. It already knows the path, I believe in you and I am always here if I can help in any way. Xo love you

Leave a comment if this post resonates with you!