Admitting I have a project

For the first time in years, I have down time. My divorce is moving along, I’ve finished up most of the work that’s left after selling my company (doing dreaded taxes next week, ugh) and my new job allows me to be all done by the afternoon. It feels weird to not have tons of work looming over me, to not be connected to my cell phone 24/7 in case of a work emergency…to just go to work and come home and be done. It also feels weird to not have the need to write, every spare moment. I filled up a good dozen journals over the past year, processing my childhood and my current life problems. I had no control over it, like smoking cigarettes. Now, I pretty much just write in this blog, maybe once a week. I don’t have the need to go to therapy that much anymore, so when the kids are at their dad’s…I’ve got down time. I’d heard it existed, but wasn’t sure if it was a rumor or not. It’s true. There really can be time in the day when I don’t HAVE to do something! So, this week, I’ve finally started tackling a project that I’ve been thinking about for a year…. I started writing my book.

Wow. I haven’t really admitted that to anyone, yet. It feels weird to say it… to read it. I started writing my book. I’ve told my friends “I’m transcribing my journals”.Β  That’s my way of tricking them/me into thinking I’m just writing them out on word docs for the sake of having them in one place. I don’t think any of us really believed me, though. They all have been telling me I should write a book, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to actually admit that this is what I’m doing. I think maybe I’m afraid. It feels kind of grandiose to announce, “I’m writing a book about myself“. What if people say, “Who gives a shit?” Hell, I say that to myself all the time. But then, I follow it up with, “I don’t give a shit if people don’t give a shit” and let it go. That’s the glory of spending a year diving head-first into intense therapy, yoga, meditation and writing…you learn to not give a shit and to let things go. It’s freeing. If something hurts me, I let myself cry and feel whatever emotions it brings up, without shaming myself for having those emotions and most of the time, without shaming the person who hurt me. Then, I just let it go….most of the time. Hey, I’m not perfect…

I finished transcribing my first journal into a word doc last night. Over 30,000 words. I’m using Dragon dictation software (something I highly recommend, if you have a lot of writing to do). It doesn’t really like swears, though. I keep trying to train it to understand I’m not saying “ship” or “flock”, but I guess it’s more pure than me.

It was interesting to read where I was exactly one year ago. Amazing how much a soul can grow in that amount of time. Who knew souls could even grow? I sure didn’t. I was full of despair and was so sure I’d end up a failure. I felt so broken and damaged beyond repair, like a seed cracked wide open. Little did I know, that’s what it takes to blossom.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Mar. 4/17

This post was written in response to Linda G Hill’s Stream of Social Consciousness. It’s organic, free-flowing writing in response to a prompt. I like participating because it makes me write! I’m lazy!

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14 thoughts on “Admitting I have a project”

  1. That is super fantastic!!! I’m so excited for you. I feel a book in me too, but as much writing as I’ve been doing recently, forming it all into a book is not even close to happening yet. Although the book is being written, for sure (like yours was as you were journaling). Seems to be a time of transition for many. Enjoy your new freedom!

    1. Trust me, it’s not even close to happening here, either. I’m thinking I’ve got a good 5 years ahead of me. Interestingly enough, I went to a psychic in Connecticut last weekend while on vacation. Total spur of the moment decision. She said she saw the letter J, and that she saw my hands writing, and that people would know my name (begins with J) from my writing…in 3 to 5 years! Hmmm….

      1. Nice confirmation. Now it’s up to you to roll it out. It was fascinating to hear what the gal who read me a few weeks ago was seeing about my son’s future. She saw a bunch of scary stuff and gave me a bunch of advice of how to handle things now that were way off. I finally figured out what information to toss out: everything that didn’t feel true in my heart. A good reading is one that you feel is right. You already know at some level that it’s correct. If you ever get one that brings up fear, run for the hills and leave that shit behind. What I’ve learned about “seeing” intuitively is all about interpreting a situation that is presently going on so a person can make decisions based on knowing more information than they currently have. A clairvoyant quite literally can see a situation clearly through a different set of eyes. And as well as one can see, if their idea of childrearing is miles different from yours, they might see good info, but put their wonky spin on it when delivering advice. The best clairvoyant will deliver the information they get without putting their own stamp on it.

  2. Exciting that you’re working on a book and it’s great that as you look back over your journals you can see ways you have moved on and healed!

    1. Your link put you in my spam…but I found you! Thanks for the comment. Who knew all my cathartic, messy, crazy words would end up supplying me with the tools to help others??

  3. Good luck with that project. It’s not so much your life story that people will care about (no offense intended) but that you have the energy and take the time to pick out the interesting bits and write them down.

    1. No offense taken. Everyone’s got a story, so I don’t expect anyone to be too impressed with mine. I’m hoping to focus on the process of using writing as a form of therapy. At the very least, it will be cathartic for me:)

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