Sometimes, my heart feels drained. It’s weird, because at the same time, it feels overflowing. I’m trying to learn how to regulate it. It’s a work in progress.
Learning how to not let it overflow where it doesn’t belong…will I ever learn how? My brain knows, but not my heart. My heart thinks if it just flows freely enough, it will heal strained relationships. Spunky lil fella, eh? Good intentions, for sure. Not so much good outcomes.
All the love in the world isn’t enough if there’s none there to receive it. But I keep trying. Maybe I’m really just going through the motions now.
There’s something about strained relationships… the loss of love is tough. Or maybe it’s the loss of what could be. I’m learning it’s possible to grieve the loss of what could have been. Knowing there will be no more memories made. The loss of hope.
Hope is my savior. And my downfall. It keeps me in places I have no business being in. But it also keeps me living wholeheartedly. It powers my climb.
For a long time, I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. Everyone said, “It’s not you, it’s them”. But there’s so many of them. I’m the common denominator. It has to be me.
Yes, it is me. But it’s not anything that’s wrong with me. I’m growing. Evolving. Outgrowing.
I’m learning. Sometimes, I confuse triggers for love. And sometimes, my love is really just a trigger for someone else. We are all doing the best we can. A bunch of scared little kids walking around in grown up bodies. Pretending until we can’t pretend any longer.
Hope. I’m setting an intention to stop holding on. I can’t climb any mountains when I’m holding on to them.
I have hope I’m going to figure this all out someday. Actually, I know I will.
This post was written in response to Linda G Hill’s Stream of Social Consciousness Saturday
Ah yes, relationships. Growing while those around you aren’t, can be difficult. I find that I sometimes expect those around me to evolve with me, forgetting that many never will. There are a handful of people I’ve let go with love in the past several years.
Hey there. I have been off here since May and just now seeing my comments here. I’ve been slacking!
I just saw a quote that reminds me of your words here…”Stop expecting to see YOU in other people”. I know I’m not moving at the pace some expect of me, so I am learning to give others the same space.
I can relate with everything you wrote having been in similar circumstances. I wish you strength as you pass through this period in your life – for it is a work in progress, as you say. You’ll get there, but there will be detours, and shortcuts are pitfalls in disguise.
I haven’t been on here since May, sorry for the late response! Sorry you have been in similar circumstances. They suck, but they do make you grow, don’t they? Thank you for wishing me strength…though I believe these circumstances are the things that actually GIVE me the strength I have. Kind of a “I can handle ANYTHING now” type of attitude, which I like having:)
I can relate. I’ve walked through decades of it and with my mom dying in December (also strained) my family come through with flying colors letting me see just how very much they don’t care about us as a family in any form. I am aghast at what has happened, even for them. I’m not sure what I will “do” but I know it is the end of family for me…
I haven’t been on wp since May, sorry for the late response! I know once someone in this dysfunctional family dies, I’m going to learn a whole new level of grief. Sorry you can relate. It sure can be mind blowing when you realize family isn’t what you expect it to be. Hugs to you…
Your heart is drained and overflowing at the same time? That tells me that you put yourself out there with love and you may not always get it in return. I think that is a better way to live than the opposite and SOMEDAY you will reap what you sow. So will others who don’t know how to love… Keep fighting the battle and don’t be concerned about our brokenness, individual or collectively – that will never go away but we can focus on the light and the love. Your words and self-awareness are inspiring.
I haven’t been on here since May! I guess I’ve been distracted:)
I am most definitely focusing on the light. Most definitely.
“All the love in the world isn’t enough if there’s none there to receive it.” That sentence is tickling something in my brain. I’m wondering if I can send love to someone without expectation and without putting myself at risk. But being human, we are going to hope that our love will have a positive impact. Hope is good. I can have hope and let go of the outcome (in theory at least. 😉 Love and hope are never lost, even if they do not impact the intended. Sending love and hugs to you, dear one.
JoAnna, I haven’t been on WP since May! Sooo bad for my blog, but I’ve been living. Anyway, I love hope, and strained relationships aren’t as straining as they used to be. I’m evolving:)
Yay! For evolving and living life! I’m glad there’s some easing in the the relationships.
“Everyone said, “It’s not you, it’s them”. But there’s so many of them. I’m the common denominator. It has to be me.
Yes, it is me. But it’s not anything that’s wrong with me. I’m growing. Evolving. Outgrowing.” … So much yes here. ps it is also them. We cannot evolve them, just us.
I have not been on WP since May! You are so right, we can not evolve them. Just as no one can tell me I need to heal and grow on a certain timeline. But, I want to evolve them. I want it badly, sometimes. But I know I can’t. I’m learning:)
I recognize that sense that “there’s so many of them. I’m the common denominator. It has to be me.” I have said that to myself, for sure.
The thing is, over time I have come to see that it doesn’t necessarily have to be us. It could be our old narratives in our heads, the old triggers, are pushing us to look for love in the wrong places, from people who can’t give us. That doesn’t mean we are broken or faulty or unlovable. It just means we have work to do. We need to make an effort to heal. We need to learn to love ourselves enough to wait, to be patient, to only look for love from people who are capable of giving it.
I do believe in hope. I genuinely think it’s possible for the future to be different than the past. May it be that way for you.
I have not been on wordpress since May, so I’m sorry for the late reply! Everything you wrote is so true! You are right…the old narratives in my head, the triggers…those are not “me”. I’m learning. And unlearning. Healing.
Thank you for the awesome response. I love it:)
Hope you’re well. <3
Linda! I have not been on here since May. I didn’t even know I had these comments here…I’m sooo bad. I just posted a lil update on what’s going on with me. I need to catch up on you. How do I add more time to the day so I can do all the things I want to do? LOL