I haven’t written on here in a while. I suppose in some ways, that’s a good thing. I really started this whole writing thing as a way to process the difficult things in my life. Almost like writing was a calling…I would feel an overwhelming urge to write about certain things and then somehow felt better afterwards. I haven’t felt that way most of this year, hence my absence on here. I sort of found a place of contentment and I’ve been doing my thing elsewhere.
So…I’m back. You just never know when you’re gonna get that calling, you know?
I felt the urge to write the other day. I spewed it out on my Facebook page before going to bed, after a few weeks of feeling discontent. I’ve got hundreds of people I actually know on Facebook. Putting my shit out on the line there is a lot more risky than putting it on here. It’s vulnerability at it’s finest.
My inner demons, who had been so well tamed this year, kind of crept back up on me. Almost out of nowhere, yet almost like they were there the whole time. I know, that sounds confusing. That’s because it is. I’m in the middle of an endless struggle to accept the loss of some people I love, all because I have told my story. Not everyone can handle this kind of shit, so instead…they let me go. And I’ve been pondering ways to get them back.
These past few weeks, I was feeling angst. Turmoil. Insecure. Unlovable. These are my inner demons, and when they rise in me, it usually signals I’m on the verge of a change in my life. I never do know what that change is going to be…
This is what I wrote:
Facebook reality check:
I post some pretty amazing photos of some pretty amazing experiences, don’t I? I just scrolled through my page and it looks FANTASTIC! I tell you what, I most definitely am GRATEFUL for the blessings I have in my life. But if I’m going to keep it real here…it’s not all sandbars and sunflower fields. I have to work really hard at having these amazing experiences, because life doesn’t just happen that way naturally. Life shits on me a lot… as I’m sure it shits on you, too. It’s like a checks and balances system. You gotta go through the bad in order to appreciate the good. And sometimes, it seems as though I create the messes in my life myself, just as a byproduct of the other messes I’ve lived through. Like I can’t get out of my own way…out of my own thoughts, sometimes. We all have our inner demons, don’t we? I know I’m not the only one who struggles with negative feelings regarding the self. We surely all have them, at one point or another, some more frequently than others, some not. All caused by different experiences, though the details don’t matter, as the feelings are the same. The difference is in how we deal with these feelings. My “Plan A” for dealing is the tremendous amount of time I spend on self-care. You know, all these “amazing” experiences you see on here, and my meditation and my faith and my writing and my reflecting and my service. And it works…for the most part. But not always.There’s always an underlying struggle in my soul. Because, you know…life keeps shitting on you. Or something happens to remind you of the old shit. Or maybe YOU decide to uncover the old shit, just because you’re human. Maybe that old shit never really does go away, you just have to learn how to live around it. Or maybe it’s new shit. Whatever. I’m sure I’ll never figure it out. All I know is, today I was not feeling like the amazing, empowered, enlightened Jami. My inner demons have been creeping up this week…feelings of insecurity, difficulty with acceptance, awareness of broken places…put whatever demon you choose in there, it will fit. This is the underlying struggle. And when I feel like that, I feel like a fraud. I look at what I put out to the world and I feel like I’m trying to pull a fast one over on everyone, which is funny, because I honestly do not care what anyone thinks of me. Maybe what that feeling really is, is that I’m trying to pull a fast one on ME. So, what do I do then? I write it all out. I put it ALL out there, for whoever is bored enough to read this much on a Facebook post. This is my “Plan B” for dealing with life…being honest and vulnerable. Somehow, stripping myself to the raw core of who I am…exposing all my flaws, my insecurities…my brokenness…somehow, it cleanses me. Almost like being baptized. I spent my entire life stuffing things down, hiding the real me from everyone, including myself…for fear of no one accepting me, or not feeling loved, or whatever the struggle is. Maybe it was really more a fear of me not loving myself. Fear keeps you from being brave. When you strip it all down and show the world the not so amazing parts of you, there’s really nothing left to be afraid of. It’s uncomfortable to do this, yet at the same time…freeing. This is how I am brave.
Hey, you have your methods, I have mine…but, I’m willing to bet a piece or two of this sounds familiar to a few of you.
It works. I haven’t even hit “post” yet, and already I’m feeling a little absolved. The struggle has softened. I think I might do something amazing tomorrow…
It’s funny how listening to the call and writing it out changes my perspective almost immediately. I’ve read that miracles are really just a change in perception. I purged that angst and now I’m back (hopefully) on the path to contentment, with a few changes. An old friend read my post and felt called to offer me a Harmonyum treatment (similar to Reiki, but not…you’ll have to look it up). I felt lighter walking out of there. I visited a friend I’d been meaning to see but hadn’t gotten around to lately. I said “yes” to a few dates I’d been saying “no” to. I got caught up on a few things I’d been avoiding in my life. I started meditating more. And I made a conscious decision to try to stop getting people back into my life who don’t want to be here, no matter how much I love them. Again. Will it stick? Who knows? All I can do is make the intention for today, and we’ll see what tomorrow brings. In the meantime, I’m enjoying the change in perception.
The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS August 4/18
Sometimes you’ve just got to take it one day at a time. And be fully in the moment when the moment is good. 🙂 *hugs
Or one MOMENT at a time! xoxo
Writing is such a cleanse. I do the same. My vulnerability is exposed thru writing and rarely through personal contact. It’s too scary. Great writing. Perfect topic. Hope youre feeling better and have put the demons to rest for a while.
Thanks, Kiersten. You’re right on the personal contact one. It’s DAMN scary…though I force myself to do it all the time. Keeps me in check.
And I am feeling better. Today, at least, ha ha…
Miracles really are just a change in perception. Glad you’re feeling better. Writing has always been cathartic for me too. Showing our raw, real selves and being accepted is a great balm for self doubt. Like a reminder that we really are ok.
You are one of the rawest ones out here, Susan. Much props to you for putting it all out there, going through all you’re going through. Much love to you, sister….xo
Aww. Thanks. No longer feeling shame in my life makes it easy to put it all out there. And keeping my most difficult and painful stuff on a fairly anonymous blog makes it easier. If I were to tell my entire family about my painful past, all it would do is cause them pain and throw them into a tizzy. And that’s not cool at all. If and when they find out, it will be when I can share it in such a way as to minimize their distress and pain – like in a book I’d like to write one day. A book focused on healing, not on pain.
Just reread my comment, and what I mean is, I don’t feel the need to tell distant cousins in order for me to further my own healing at this point. I’m not fearful and ashamed. But our paths pretty much never cross.
I think it’s normal to have those sleeping demons wake up now and then and pester us, or remind us how to pray/meditate/take care of ourselves to put them back in their place, or shrink them. Maybe some of the demons die eventually. That would be nice. But regardless, self care, prayer, and all the good work will make us strong. Not perfect. Strong. Wishing peace and love to every part of you, Jami. <3
Thanks, JoAnna. Wouldn’t it be terrific if those demons did die someday? I don’t think they do, though. I’ve come to the realization of late that we just learn to live around them. Exactly as you describe…they wake up to remind us of our work, and keep us in check.
Thanks for the peace and love 🙂
Yes, it would be terrific if the demons shriveled up and disappeared. 🙂