So far, I’m okay. It’s been over a year and a half since I told them about all the things that happened to me when I was a kid, and subsequently, an adult. Most difficult words I ever had to say. I knew the risk I was taking when I made that decision. But really, it wasn’t a decision. God lays out a plan for you and you can fight it or follow it. I spent most of my life ignoring it, and then I started fighting it for a bit, and finally I woke up, and eventually started following it. His plan was for me to tell my story, no matter what the outcome. I knew this in my soul to be true. I was warned by others that the outcome could be horrible… that I could potentially lose them. I was afraid of that scenario for sure. I love my family intensely. Losing them was not something I wanted to face. Still, I told.
Turns out, that outcome is exactly what happened. I’ll save the details of why for another day…they’re your typical dynamics of a co-dependent family combined with common responses to people reporting abuse. It’s funny, because at first, they were all so shocked at what I had to say, that I actually received genuine caring responses from them. For a week or so, I thought my decision to tell was actually bringing us all closer…what a great surprise! But, as all families like mine do, they quickly realized they did not have the capability to deal with it, and went back to easier ways of denial, avoidance, gas lighting, lying, shaming…you name it. Whatever it took to make the family “function” again, in it’s co-dependant dysfunctional way. I became the scapegoat. Let me tell you, that is the worst role in this type of family. Trust me. When this happened, I had a hard time. Hell, I still do. But it’s getting easier each day. The more I learn about how textbook we are, the less I cry. Knowledge is power. I actually feel sorry for them, most of the time. I’m not angry any more. I do still wish for things, though I know they are useless wishes. The fairy tale I’ve been dreaming of my entire life, I know in my head, and mostly in my heart, that it’s not reality. I’m actually finding that I’m starting to outgrow my family a bit. I miss them, but when I imagine seeing them, with them still stuck in this dynamic, it feels dark, and it doesn’t feel good. Still, I wish…and so far, I’m still okay.
This free-flowing, organic post was in response to Linda G Hill’s Stream of Social Consciousness Saturday
The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS March 10/18
It is such a tough journey with family… All I can say is we have to be real and the cost is often high but its worth it in the long run, but that doesnt change the countless tears we can shed and how it hurts….<3
Deborah, taking online classes to further my nursing degree at the age of 46 is now a questionable idea! I’m sorry for the delay in responding! You’re response was quite validating. I love how we are traveling our journeys together, yet on opposite sides of the world! The universe knows who needs each other….xo
Keep staying true to your inner knowing, Jamie… we learn more in the school of life in my humble opinion Xo
Some mornings while laying in bed in the dark, fear is felt. It is about that loss and separateness. Mostly I handle it well, compartmentalizing the love, tucking it away where it isn’t felt or thought about much.
I feel that fear, too…sometimes. I have to force myself to allow me to feel it before tucking it away. If I don’t feel it first, without judging myself for those feelings, then I’m not really tucking it away, I’m stuffing it down…and that never ends well, as we all know…
It does take effort to allow feelings and feel them after running so lone, running and stuffing to survive….
I’m into memoir-reading these days, mostly written by people I’ve met. And one of the common denominators is that no matter how f*cked up the family dynamic, they tape themselves together for the outside world. What they look like in church or the grocery store or in the neighborhood matters so much that it keeps everyone “intact.” The family members will go down with the ship, if necessary, regardless of what they believe to be true.
Interestingly, all the memoirs are written by people who believed in themselves enough to tell their story, regardless of the outcome. I’m glad you listened to your better angels, Jami. 💕
“Going down with the ship” is such a perfect description of them! It’s a twisted loyalty, for sure. I liken it to the people who live in North Korea and have no access to internet or tv, and have no clue what reality really is…even though they know something is not right.
I’m glad I learned how to listen to my angels, too:)
That’s perfect! I’m going to bring up the North Korea thing the next time I’m in discussion with friends about escaping their twisted loyalties. It’s such a great comparison.
I’m so glad you’re doing ok. That shows how far you’ve come. And what an incredibly brave path to take. One of the biggest challenges I see to people stepping out and making a change is that whatever we grow up with, is our normal, even if it hurts. I grew up with a mentally ill mother who was somewhat narcissistic. That was my normal! And yes, there are times when having a family that isn’t loving and supportive (especially when the world dictates a very specific definition of family) hurts. You go girl!
Are you used to me replying a month later yet? School is almost over, school is almost over, school is almost over…
You know my pain well, my friend. Sorry you do….but it’s nice to have a tribe who truly understands me. I have a great tribe here in person, but none of them have gone through the things I have, so this understanding here is quite valuable to me:)
Jamie, I thought about you for a good part of the morning. I am sorry others fail to be there for you. I tried to find an article I read about this that comforted me but no luck. It had to do with bearing witness to a survivors pain, but that others fail to do this.
Another blogger called it the second wounding. It is unfair and intensely painful, pain I wish you did not have to endure.
Thank you…sorry for the late reply, I’m back in school now and trying to manage working full time with two kids while having a 46 year old brain is NOT easy! That article sounds intriguing…if you ever find it, would you send it my way? It sounds like you know exactly what I am talking about. It most definitely is painful and unfair, and is absolutely a second wounding. However, I am not the same small, weak, insecure child I was during the first wounding, so am faring MUCH better this time around….xo
May your energy rise to meet your ambitions. I admire you!
It hurts, but it’s also freeing to know we are and will be okay in spite of what others do or don’t do. I’ve read that the family scapegoat is usually the one most in touch with reality. Maybe you are in the process of refocusing on your family of choice rather than your family of origin. Either way, you’ll still be okay.
I am just now getting back online…school is such a buzz kill! I’ve read the same about the family scapegoat. It makes sense. I’m honestly at the point where I forgive them all…ALL of them…and love them from over here, because that’s all they can handle. It’s all good:)
Welcome back! <3