Vulnerability: Part 2

Well, you know shit’s going down when I write two posts in a week…

My last post was about the power and beauty of being vulnerable. I talked about how that’s the only way to truly connect with people…to be real, open and honest about who you are and how you feel. I talked about how it’s so hard to do, because it’s risky. You risk having your heart stepped on if you hold it out to someone in wide open vulnerability. But, if you want someone to hold your heart and nurture it, then you gotta pull it out and cross your fingers.  It’s the only way to feel love…by being vulnerable and putting it out there.

Yeah, it’s risky for sure. It takes courage, no doubt about it. You actually have to be pretty damn brave to be vulnerable. Well, to consciously be vulnerable.  You don’t see weak sissies holding their hearts out there, all exposed, all vulnerable and shit. Nah, they wall off their hearts like a fortress. No one’s getting anywhere NEAR that tender spot.  And if they do become vulnerable, it wasn’t on purpose. Someone snuck up on them. It’s easy to protect yourself by not holding out hope to avoid disappointment. Who wants to feel the pain of a broken heart? Well, apparently…I do. Over and over and over again.

Jesus, then that must mean I’m a fucking warrior.

I don’t feel like a warrior right now. I feel like a baby deer that got hit in the middle of a dark road, and the driver stopped, but didn’t take it to the vet. He just looked at that broken, damaged deer…feeling sorry for it, but at the same time, blaming it for running in front of his car like that. I mean, why would someone take a deer to the vet? It’s just a deer. There’s millions of deer out there, and they get hurt and die slow deaths every day. Why go out of your way to save this one? Sure, the driver might start to feel a little guilty, but he pushes it out of his mind fairly easily. Come one now, all he was doing was driving along. It’s not his fault the deer got in the way.  Deer are stupid…

OK, that analogy got a bit off track, but you get the gist…

So, I’m walking that oh so thin tightrope right now, where one side is me falling into the pit of despair. You know, the place of shame and self-doubt, the place where I realize it’s not all these other people who have the problem…it’s me. I’m the damaged one.  The place where I feel pretty damn comfortable admitting that I’m not good enough. That I’m too needy. That if I just say it a different way, or if I just act a different way, then the person I just handed my heart to will pick it up and love it. And the other side of the tightrope is where I feel empowered and worthy of someone taking me to the damn vet after they accidentally run me over. Or maybe I’ll just take myself to the damn vet. Maybe I don’t need a driver at all! My problem is that I can’t consistently stay on either side. I just keep swinging back and forth between the two, and if you don’t pay close enough attention to what I’m doing, you might think I’m bat-shit crazy. So pay attention.

Tonight, I had a revelation. I thought about how I work so hard to heal people. How I have these amazing experiences where I make people feel like they matter, where I don’t judge, where I accept things for what they are.  People tell me all the time how compassionate and loving I am when they hear these stories, or get to experience them first hand. They tell me I am special, loved and worthy. But I’m wondering tonight…am I only doing those amazing things with people to overcompensate for what’s wrong with me? If I create these experiences with my patients, with strangers on the street, with my friends…experiences that result in people accepting my love and giving it back in return…does that make up for the other people in my life who don’t want my love, the people who can’t seem  love me? Is that why I’m doing it all? Am I trying to create love in places it wouldn’t normally exist, in order to ease the pain of it not existing where it should? Do I think this will make me feel less “less than”? Does it even matter? I think it might. Or maybe not. Lately, I’ve been asking what it is about me that keeps love just out of reach. It must be something about me, as I end up repeating the same scenario over and over and over. Sure, these people like me. They actually think I’m kind of great, in certain scenarios. But, as soon as I ask for too much, I’m not so great anymore. Maybe I want that kind of connection so badly, people just can’t handle the amount of love I have to give. I really do have a lot of love to give. Maybe too much. Maybe I’m too intense, and that type of connection I’m craving really doesn’t exist anywhere, so I’m setting myself up for failure by even wishing for it. Maybe I really am too demanding. Maybe I should tone it down a bit. All of it. My expectations. My passion. My needs. My wants. My desires. My love. If I did that, then maybe I could get something, and maybe getting something is better than getting nothing. Does anyone ever really get more than something? Does that really exist?

Wow, that’s almost kind of easy to talk myself into. Of course it is…that’s how I’ve rolled my entire life. How’d that work out for me so far? Not so good. Yet, I’m finding myself leaning towards doing it again tonight…

Yeah….I think maybe I’ll hold out hope for a little bit longer. At least, that’s how I feel right this minute. Tomorrow, I might beat myself up again, but right now I think I want to hold on to the idea that I’m not craving something that’s just a fairy tale. Sure, I still feel like that baby deer, alone, bleeding and crying in the middle of a dark road. The driver has since moved on to wherever he was going. People feel bad when they hit a deer, but they tend to forget about it once they go back to their daily routine. Oh, and you know, there’s more than one driver in my life, by the way. One who just keeps circling me from time to time. “Oh, here he comes….oh, nope…he’s leaving again….” I’m just going to have to get used to the fact that he isn’t ever going to stop long enough for me. It sucks, but it is what it is. All I can do is feel the pain, for as long as I need to, and hopefully find myself dancing in the woods again. Ha ha…that’s so easy to SAY, isn’t it???  Just get used to it. Good one, Jami….

The good thing is, I’ve lied in this road before. I know I will stop bleeding. Eventually, I always do. How do you think I got all these scars? Warriors have scars, they say. So yes, I will try to hold out hope for a little bit longer. Faith is taking that first step, even when you can’t see the staircase. God has a bigger plan for me, and this, right now, bleeding in the road alone…is not it. There’s got to be someone out there who’s searching for an intensely loving, previously traumatized, tightrope walking deer, right?




19 thoughts on “Vulnerability: Part 2”

  1. I relate to a lot of this. I am also thinking of Princess Di while reading it. On the programme I watched earlier this week it said how she gave and gave out of her own wound almost in a surreptitious way for her own healing. I think we do that because love is really all we crave. I also found a quote from a Jungian book this week that said when the quest for love fails people reach for power. I think there is much to that.The symbol of a deer was used a lot by a therapist Marion Woodman. Its a metaphor for the vulnerable self. Have you seen the movie The Queen? In it after Princess Diana dies the Queen goes up the moors behind Balmoral Castle and gets stranded in a stream (metaphor for flowing emotion.) Out of no where comes this deer/stag and just stands there and she starts crying. I don’t know if that actually happened or if it was a dramatic device but I could not help to think about it when I read this. We are all flawed, wounded and vulnerable, some of us more for others and we do project. Some of us are on the giving/healing side and feel the pain of never receiving as much as we give, but nothing we ever give is lost. Sometimes we fall down. Other times we get up. But you know that for sure. Love you Jami even though I’ve never met you. Tenderly Deborah xox

    1. Thank you, Deborah. The deer has always symbolized my inner child, for me. I think it’s because I was a child when I was first hurt, so every time someone hurts me in that same way, I feel like the deer. I’ve done enough work to know that I will recover from this, and I also know that this will probably continue to happen to me and I will just have to continue to recover from it. I really don’t want to wall myself off to prevent pain. I’ve never seen the movie you were talking about. But it does make me think of that Garth Brooks song “The Dance”. I don’t want to miss the dance because I’m too busy trying to avoid feeling pain.

      Thank you so much for your emotional response. We have many similarities and I know we will never meet in person, but I do consider you a friend?

  2. I would pick you up and put you in my car and stroke your hair and take you to the vet and tell you I love you so you knew you were worth of being saved, feeling safe, and feeling loved. You do those things for others because that is your true root core being. That is who you are. Plain and simple. The fact that no one can do that for you just means their hearts are not as pure as yours. It is no reflection on you.

    1. I know you would. That’s why I’m never letting go of my girlfriends. They seem to be the only ones who can validate me. Today I am feeling a little bit better and on the other side of the tight rope where I realize I am not asking for too much when I just want someone to value me. So right now, I’m going to live in the moment and feel that way. By tonight, I’m sure I will be beating myself up again… Which is why I am so grateful to have my friends to lift me up when no one else can, even me.

      You are amazing, by the way?

  3. Oh Jami, it hurts me to read about your pain and I relate a great deal to it. Warriors are born out of pain and sometimes we lie in the road and bleed. Other warriors would always stop and take care of you, only cowards move on and try to forget and ignore the damage they have caused.
    You are not asking to much, you are just existing on a different vibrations that can’t be met by all. Don’t settle and don’t lower your expectations. Your tribe is out there and will understand and come value / love you for who you are. Everybody that can’t, doesn’t belong in that circle. Sending a great big hug of comfort your way and thinking about you. ?❤️

    1. I’ve found my tribe in a circle of friends. Maybe that’s all I need. I have to elaborate, the people leaving me bleeding in the road aren’t doing it out of malice , they just aren’t capable of lifting me up. I think maybe they wish they were strong enough…they just aren’t.

      You’re right. Not everyone belongs in my circle. And the vibrational level I’ve reached is a special place, and I don’t want to leave it. I just have to learn to accept that not everyone I love can handle living in that place. The road to acceptance seems to be long and uphill, though….

      Thank you for the uplifting response. It was validating and needed???

      1. I’m always here dear and I know what you mean. I often feel the same and existing in a higher vibration is a beautiful place as you rise above the turmoil, but it can also leave you lonely with no outlets to talk about. Most people wouldn’t understand and have looked at me as if I was nuts, and maybe a Little crazy is even essential to make it through the madness. Fact is that most have no clue a d can’t relate because they haven’t awakened and all this foreign to them. So you are right and it’s not because they don’t want to be there, they are just not capable at that level.
        Love you dear and wrapping you in a big hug

  4. First, I am proud of you for your honest exploration and willingness to ask hard questions. Balance is a word that came to me early into this. Balance between being wide open vulnerable and being completely closed off. We need to get to know people and find out if they are capable of the love we want before we open our hearts completely. The other thing that stands out is this: “But, as soon as I ask for too much, I’m not so great anymore.” Are you really asking for too much, or are these people takers? Takers are drawn to people who give and give and give. I wonder if you’re giving a lot to people who are unable to reciprocate. That’s okay sometimes, like in doing charity work or taking care of a sick parent, but In healthy relationships there is balance in giving and receiving, maybe not 50/50 but close to it. I agree with Rhapsody: Don’t settle. I loved reading: Maybe I’ll just take myself to the damn vet. And the part about going out and dancing in the woods. God really does have a bigger plan for for you. Trust the timing. 😉 <3

    1. I am most definitely giving a lot to people who are unable to reciprocate. That’s the core thing here. I just can’t figure out why these people are the ones I fall for. I can’t control who I feel a connection with. God, I wish I could. I really did think in this recent episode, that I had found someone who understood my needs. I was completely upfront about things. I think maybe he wanted to be that person for me, but when it was show time, he realized he wasn’t ready.
      I’d like to think he’s just as disappointed as I am, but it really doesn’t matter. I’ve been here before. Every. Single. Time.

      The other one is family. Someone I love dearly. Someone I crave attention and value from, and just don’t get it from him, no matter how I ask. Both of them just don’t have the toolbox needed to participate at the level I need (deserve). I can’t change it. I can’t make people someone they aren’t, or feel things they don’t. I also can’t make me feel things I don’t. Intellectually, I understand all of this. Emotionally, I still ache for things to be different.

      I am not asking for too much. It’s them who feel that way. And that results in me feeling that way…sometimes. That’s the tightrope I walk.

      My only hope is that someday, God will create that spark, that emotional connection, with someone who is capable of balancing giving and receiving, and then I just might finally believe that healthy relationships exist. Till then…still a fairy tale…

      1. It’s good that you understand they are not capable of giving what you need, so it’s not a refection on you. Underneath our emotions are thoughts. Are the thoughts true? And more importantly, are they helpful? You are definitely on the way to growth and change. I’m sometimes drawn to people who need help, too. Maybe I get self esteem from helping others. I don’t know. Something I still need to explore. But in the meantime, we will continue to love ourselves. Healthy relationships exist. Not perfect, but healthy. When the time is right, more will come to you.

  5. When I’m filled with doubts, I try to remember to go back to my basics of connecting through my heart. When I think about a situation, how does it feel in my heart? If I see it from this perspective, does it ease my internal pain or increase it? You are naturally very sensitive, intuitive, and heart connected. Use it to guide you, as you have been. It’s so worth it.

    Walling off and closing up our hearts brings temporary relief, but in the long run causes more pain. Been there, done that. You’ll get through this tough time.

    1. You know, my instinct were so clear on this one…in the beginning. My inner voice spoke to me in very clear words. Crystal clear. I think that’s why this threw me for a loop….everything changed. Though life does change, as I’m well aware of. People change. Relationships change. Still hurts, though.

      My instincts are not crystal clear right now. It’s actually quite blurry.

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