The hawks have returned to my life. I haven’t seen them since this summer. They first came to me when I was in the deep hole of PTSD. They say hawks are messengers, that they arrive to remind you to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. I felt they came to me to support me in my decisions, as I had so much self-doubt. I think I saw at least 2-3 a week…swooping down right in front of my car. One time, as I was crying after bearing my deepest childhood secrets to a friend, a hawk barreled down the road right next to my car. It was flying in a perfectly straight line along the road, as if it was leading me home. If it was someone else telling me this was happening, I wouldn’t believe them. It was just crazy how they were making their presence known to me. Once I cleared those major life hurdles, they were gone as quick as they came.
It’s been about 4 months now, and they are back. A few weeks ago, my friend Paula was reading my post on here about my butterfly party. She attended the party, and felt as though something spiritual had happened that night. She was hesitant to comment about it, though, as she wasn’t sure about my spiritual beliefs. She was speaking to my friend Tracy on the phone about it, and Tracy was telling her I was very spiritual, both with church and with the universe. Just as Tracy told her about my experiences with the hawks (and deer), a hawk startled her as it swooped in front of the window Paula was looking out of! She couldn’t believe it! It landed on the tree in her yard. She took a picture of it and sent it to me (see below). She felt it was significant that the hawk was facing away from her, but she didn’t know why. I instantly knew what it was. I knew that hawk was for me. I knew it because the week before, someone I love in my family started to slowly turn their back on me about my childhood abuse. Not really about the abuse, but about me talking about it now. And by him starting to turn his back, it made me question if I was making a mistake about my decisions this year. I started to feel self-doubt again. So, the hawks are back.
Just yesterday, I was riding in the car of the nurse who is training me at my new job. It’s a bit overwhelming to be training 40 hours a week, while continuing to run my company until it sells, while having two boys on four different basketball teams, while getting ready for Christmas, while getting divorced. And during all of this stress, one of the toxic family members I removed from my life is not going quietly. And the one who is starting to turn his back on me is not stopping her. And even though I want her out of my life, I don’t want to make a big spectacle out of it, so I’m letting him not stop her. But it still hurts…that he’s not stopping her. It still hurts that he’s not supporting me. But I get it. The adult me gets it. The adult me gets that people cope with whatever coping skills they have. The adult me gets that I have more coping skills than I used to because of all the therapy I went through this year, and I get that not everyone did that kind of work. I get it, but it still hurts. And when it hurts, I start to doubt myself again. Because I still have that inner child in me, the child who feels nothing but neglect. And as hard as I try to validate and nurture her, she’s still seeking it from the ones who could never give it to her. I think it’s going to be a life long struggle, balancing her and me. Anyway, I’m riding in this car for work, on a busy road through town, when she says “What the heck is THAT?!” and points ahead of us. There, in the middle of the road, just in front of us, swoops the biggest red-tailed hawk I have ever seen. It was massive, and flying so low and so slow, right in front of us. It was a weird place for a hawk to be flying…with all the traffic there. I smile excitedly. “It’s a red-tailed hawk!” I tell her. She asks if that means something, and I say “yes”, but I don’t want to make her think I’m crazy my first week of work, so I don’t elaborate. We turn left at the next set of lights and travel about a mile, and another damn hawk flies over our car! Not nearly as big, nor close as the other one, but quite obvious. I had adrenaline running through my body…this was something special! I wished I was with someone who could understand the significance of it. I knew it meant something was going to happen in my life. I also knew that something was going to be a struggle.
I went home after work that day, and found out the family member I removed from my life (not really removed, as she doesn’t see us but once a year) had called my soon to be ex husband to invite him and my boys over for Christmas. That caused an uncomfortable conversation that confused my boys and ended up making me feel horrible for them even being involved. Once again, I started doubting my decisions. I went and got the mail, and found a thank you card. It was from a friend I had mailed a Christmas present to a week earlier. I had sent her a hawk ornament, as she has a relationship with them, too. In the card, she said I had touched her heart. I stood there for a few minutes, piecing it all together. My entire process this year….speaking my truth, doing the work, making tough decisions, validating myself…I’m doing this all because I can’t connect to anyone, not even myself. Do you know how painful it is to not be able to connect to anything because of trauma? Very. So, the hawks are here because I’m doubting myself, doubting my decisions. They are telling me to take a step back…a step back from the family drama, and look at the big picture. I touched someone’s heart. And she touched mine. That’s why I sent it to her. The people who don’t touch my heart don’t have a place in my life. At least not right now. Not while I’m healing. The hawk in my friend’s back yard was telling me that I’m on the right path, even if it seems people are turning their backs on me. Speaking my truth does not make me a bad person, and them turning their backs on me does not make them bad people. I am doing the best I can with what I have…and so are they.