Baring my soul #SoCS

I bared my soul this year. I never planned on it. I spent my whole life hiding my soul. I was so good at hiding it, even I didn’t know it was hidden. I thought what was on display was all it was, and it took baring it to get me to realize what I really had inside me. How one can walk around for four decades not knowing what’s inside them, I just don’t know…but it happens.

Baring my soul resulted in “opening Pandora’s Box”. It was life changing.  Pandora’s Box doesn’t just close up again. Nope, that sucker stays WIDE open until you deal with what it is you just released. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. I did it, though. I’m on the other side now, and can appreciate just how damn heavy that box of secrets was. Baring it all made me lighter. It made me free. Well,  a little more free. I really had to bust my ass emptying that box…it burned and I cried and it was excruciatingly painful. I didn’t think I would ever get the job done. It’s like the box was going to swallow me up…drown me…because I had to dive head first right into the nasty soul part to understand how to empty it. But I did it. One day, it was just empty. It’s crazy how it just happens. Plugging away, feeling hopeless…then it’s done. Liberating. Empowering. Freedom feels good. Funny, though…how come during all those box emptying days, I never noticed that other box? That smaller box that was inside the big box. Damn. Nesting boxes of souls. That’s just mean! But, that’s how it goes, I guess. I don’t make these rules, I just live with them. So, I find myself now facing this second box, wondering how hard it’s going to be to empty. I’m scared. I don’t want to go through all that again. I’m tired. But I can’t just go walking around with another box inside me. Not after all that work I put in on the first damn box. So, I peek inside and get a glimpse of what’s in store. Yup, still some shitty soul ruining stuff, but this box seems a little lighter. Whew. That’s how nesting boxes work…big one with a smaller one inside, then a smaller one inside that one. I bet after I empty this one, there’s a good chance I’ll find yet another one. Weird thing: I’m not really that scared anymore. I get it now. I already survived baring my soul. I already survived emptying “the” box. All these other boxes are just part of that first package. I can handle it. I might not like it. It might make me sad. That’s OK. I know I can be sad and angry and scared and hurt…and survive. I can’t control how other people are going to respond. I can’t make people be who I expect them to be. I can try to open eyes and hearts, but if it doesn’t work, that’s not on me. In the end, all I can control is how I respond.  I bared my soul…the ugliest things inside me, and I’m still here. I survived. I did more than survive, I grew.

Moral of the story: When life seems like too much to bear….wait.

Image result for seed destruction quote

 

 

 

 

 

 

This post is a part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. We were given the prompt “Bare/Bear” and then had to write organically…no edits, just let it flow!

 

 

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Dec. 10/16

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

12 thoughts on “Baring my soul #SoCS”

  1. Hi! I really liked your analogy of the “nesting boxes” …. it is completely apt and so fitting …. and having gone through my own baptism of fire, hell, brimstone and treacle over the last few years, I can completely relate.

    And damn – isn’t there always another nesting something just waiting?

    Of course, but it does get easier once the first trial is done. It’s all a process – and so we keep on keeping on, even when it just doesn’t seem possible or worthwhile.

    Great SoCS – and good luck with the “next box” – just remember, sometimes we need to rest too.

    1. Hi! Thanks for the great response…it sure does sound like you know what I’m talking about. I always have to speak with analogies to get my point across.

      I’m hoping to put off the next box until after the holidays. I’ve got enough on my plate right now and as busy as I am, I’m making it a point to take time each week to nurture myself:)

      1. That definitely sounds like a plan – a good one – and you know, these things take time, and so much self-love and nurturing …. I was scanning through your site, and I guess it would be safe to say that I understand because I have similar stories to tell – so it makes sense to me. Analogies, yup, get that too, but sometimes, it really does get to be so exhausting. Still, we do what we must do.

      1. hmmm … I just checked my Gravatar profile, it’s updated …. but it could be the WP gremlins going on, I’m having trouble posting comments … just in case:
        https://blackcatalleyblog.wordpress.com/

        and it must be the WP gremlins – I had to come back to your site and post my replies directly here, as opposed to the “comments” toolbar thingy …. so it’s just some techno outer/cyber world glitch 😉

  2. I like your imagery of a smaller box inside the box. Yes, that’s a great way to look at it. It was described to me early on as being like layers of an onion. But more recently I’m thinking about the process as one where you might come back around and revisit some things from time to time, but because you are changed, it’s a different experience each time. (Thanks, you just inspired me!)

    1. Yes, that’s exactly it. You do come back, over and over again. I was bothered by this when I first learned it, but I get it now. You learn and come back, learn and come back. Each time you learn, it’s adding a tool to your tool box. Each time you come back, you bring that new tool and fix it a bit more. Once you understand that there’s no “instant fix” you don’t mind as much when you revisit it. I think…:)

      1. It’s not only gaining a new tool, but when you heal wounds, you lose reactivity and gain peace. And over time, painful relationships can lose all their charge. Even the most difficult ones. BTDT.

        1. Yes to this, too! You’re absolutely right. It’s funny how just today, I was talking to a friend about my divorce process (something we are just embarking on). I told her I thought we would be able to remain amicable, even if he gets tense and angry once we start talking finances. I told her “I figure that I’ve done enough work on myself this year, that even if he gets upset, I have enough peace inside me for the both of us”. I hope that’s true…

          1. Yes. I bet you do. You are doing fantastic!

            I’m sure you already know that if he gets upset, it’s because of something in him that’s getting rattled. Even if he directs his “stuff” towards you or even blames you, HE generates the feelings of discomfort and upset within himself (no matter what). And even when you have a bad day, keep reminding yourself that it’s a process, and you’re doing it. Any time you become reactionary, know that it’s actually a gift, because anything that sets you off is because of something that’s ready to go. That’s why we react: because we are still holding an old belief that no longer resonates with us (and it needs to be healed). (Hence why if your ex gets upset, it’s on him, not you).

Feel free to leave a comment for me...